Fairy Tales
by Lupa Dracolis
Summary: The cast of Yu-gi-oh star in various fairy tales, with commentary by Yami Bakura and Marik. Warnings: Thiefshipping, some slight Gemini- and Tendershipping.
1. Rapunzel

**Yugioh presents: Rapunzel**

**Includes commentary from Marik and Bakura**

A long time ago in a faraway land there lived a man and a woman who longed for a child, but it seemed as if their wish would never come true. At length it appeared that Ra was about to grant their desire.

These people had a little window at the back of their house, with a view of a beautiful garden, full of the most fabulous flowers and herbs. It was, however, surrounded by a mighty wall, and none dare cross the wall because the garden belonged to a great enchantress, whose prowess and dreadful might were feared throughout the world.

* * *

"I thought it was meant to be a witch?"

"Marik, no-one cares what you think. Now be quiet and listen to the story."

* * *

One day the woman was standing by this window and looking down into the garden, when she saw a beautiful apple tree. The apples were large, red and juicy, and the woman longed to taste them. She became very unhappy, and stopped eating.

Her husband, Akeifa, was alarmed, and asked, "What is wrong, dear wife?"

"Oh, if I cannot taste just one of those delicious looking apples which grow in that garden behind our house, I will die." She replied.

The man, who loved her, thought, 'I cannot let her die, so I must go and get some of those apples myself, no matter what.'

At midnight, he clambered down up the wall of the garden, quickly grabbed a handful of apples, and took them to his wife. She ate them up greedily. They tasted so good to her - so very good, that the next day she longed for another apple three times as much as before.

If he was to have any rest, her husband knew he must go back to the garden. Therefore, the very next evening he climbed back up the wall, but he lost his grip and plummeted down. When he looked up he was terrified, for he saw the enchantress standing before him.

"How dare you come into my garden and steal my apples like a thief? You shall suffer for it!" The enchantress shouted.

"Be merciful!" He pleaded, "I only made did it because I had to. My wife saw your apples from the window, and felt such a longing for them that she would have died if she had not got some to eat."

The enchantress calmed down somewhat and said to him

"If it is as you say, I will allow you to take away with you as many apples as you can, but you must give me your child when it is born. It shall be well treated, and I will care for it like a mother."

The man agreed to this.

* * *

"I never knew Akeifa was such a wimp!" Marik interrupted.

"Will you shut up!"

* * *

When the man returned, he took his wife and all that they owned, and they fled together. For Akeifa would rather die than give up his child.

* * *

"There, you see? He never meant to keep his promise. Now _that_ sounds like Akeifa." Bakura said smugly.

* * *

However, when Akeifa's wife gave birth, the enchantress appeared by her bedside, and took the child, naming it Marik.

* * *

"What the hell!?! I am not a baby! Nor am I female! This is not fair!"

Bakura merely laughed in response.

* * *

Marik grew up to be a beautiful child. However when he was twelve years old, the enchantress shut him away in a room at the top of a tower, in the middle of a forest. The tower had nether stairs nor door, but in the room at the top there was a large window. When the enchantress wanted to go in, she stood beneath the window and called out,

"Marik, Marik, let down your hair!"

Marik had magnificent long, golden hair, and when he heard the enchantress calling, he unfastened his braided tresses, wound them round one of the hooks above the window, and then let his hair fall down out of the window. Once it had reached the ground, the enchantress climbed up it.

After three long years, it came to pass that a local prince rode through the forest and passed by the tower. Then he heard a song, which was so charming that he stood still and listened. It was Marik, who in his solitude passed his time by singing.

* * *

"Well, I wouldn't say his song was _charming_…" Bakura grinned.

"Hey! I object to that. My singing is beautiful!" Marik retorted angrily.

* * *

The prince wanted to climb up to find out who was singing, so he looked for the door of the tower, but could not find one. He rode home, but the singing was so beautiful that every day he went out into the forest and listened to it.

Once when he was listening from behind a tree, he saw the enchantress approach, and he heard her call out:

"Marik, Marik, let down your hair!"

Then Marik let down the braids of his hair, and the enchantress climbed up, disappearing through the window.

The prince, who now knew how to get up, went away for the night, vowing to return in the morning. When he did, he called out,

" Marik, Marik, let down your hair!"

Immediately the hair fell down and prince Bakura climbed up.

* * *

"Wait, what was that? Prince Bakura? Prince _Bakura!_ No way in hell would I be stupid enough to do that!" Bakura spluttered.

"Hey, you're not the only one who has an objection! You think _I_ want my handsome prince to be _you_? Guess again, Fluffy!"

* * *

At first Marik was terribly frightened when a man, especially one with such a fierce face, appeared in the window; but prince Bakura treated him kindly, and told Marik that his heart had been awed at his singing, and he had been forced to see who it was singing. Then Marik lost his fear, and when the prince asked if Marik would take him as a husband, and he saw that the prince was young and handsome, Marik thought: 'He will love me more than old Dame Ishizu does'; and he said yes, and laid his hand in the prince's.

* * *

"Sod off, I don't want your bloody hand."

"Come on Bakura, it's just a story."

"You were complaining a second ago!"

"Yeah, well maybe we should just listen. It isn't real, after all."

"Fine, whatever."

* * *

Marik said to Bakura "I will happily go away with you, but I do not know how to get down. Bring with you a skein of silk every time that you come, and I will weave a ladder with it, and when that is ready I will descend, and you can take me on your horse."

* * *

"…"

"…"

* * *

They agreed that from now on the prince should come every evening, for the old woman came by day. The enchantress knew nothing of this, until one day Marik said to her,

"Tell me, Dame Ishizu, how is it that you are so much heavier for me to draw up than prince Bakura?"

"Ah, you wicked child," cried the enchantress. "What did you just say? I thought I had managed to separate you from the world, and yet you have deceived me!"

In her anger she seized Marik's beautiful hair, wrapped it around her left hand, grabbed a pair of scissors and cut off all that beautiful hair. And she was so crul that she took poor Marik to a desert where he had to live in great grief and misery.

* * *

"Noooooooooooo! Not my hair!" Marik wailed, falling to his knees.

"So you don't care about the 'great grief and misery'?" Bakura smirked.

"Of course not you fool! I grew up like that!"

"Don't worry Marik, I'm sure you can get a wig. Maybe a nice camel-hair one, as you're in a desert" Bakura taunted him.

* * *

On the same day that she cast Marik out, however, the enchantress fastened the hair which she had cut off to the hook of the window, and when prince Bakura came and called out:

"Marik, Marik, let down your hair!"

she let the hair down. The prince climbed up, but instead of finding his dearest Marik, he found the enchantress, who gazed at him with wicked and venomous looks.

* * *

"Oh please, like that's going to scare me!" Bakura snorted.

* * *

"Aha!" she cried mockingly, "you would fetch your dearest Marik, but he sits no longer singing in the nest; the cat has got him, and will scratch out your eyes as well. Marik is lost to you; you will never see him again."

The prince was beside himself with pain, and in his despair he leapt down from the tower. He escaped with his life, but the thorns into which he fell pierced his eyes.

* * *

"Why the bloody hell did the fool do that?" Bakura asked.

"He was in love, Bakura!"

"What's your bloody point?"

* * *

The prince wandered blind through the forest, eating nothing but roots and berries, and cried for his dead wife.

* * *

"He sounds like Pegasus, doesn't he Bakura?"

"If you're comparing me to that camp idiot, I'll-"

* * *

He went on in this way for some years, at eventually he came to the desert where Marik lived in misery. After a while Bakura heard a voice that sounded familiar and when he approached, Marik recognised him and fell on his neck and wept. Two of his tears wetted Bakura's eyes and they grew clear again, and he could see with them as well as before. He led her back to his father Yami's kingdom where they were joyfully received, and they all lived happily ever after.

* * *

"Wait a second, _Yami_ is my father? Kill me now, please!"

"Hey, at least your character was a guy!" Marik protested. "I'm almost willing to swap!"

**Thoughts, comments…want to say hi? Click the review button!**


	2. Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

**Snow White and the Seven Dwarves**

**With commentary by Marik and Bakura

* * *

**

Once upon a time in mid winter, when the snowflakes were falling like feathers from heaven, the beautiful queen Pegasus sat sewing at her window, which had a frame of black ebony wood. As she sewed, she looked up at the snow and pricked her finger with her needle. Three drops of blood fell into the snow. The red on the white looked so beautiful, that she thought, "If only I had a child as white as snow, as red as blood, and as black as this frame." Soon afterward she had a little son that had hair as white as snow, and she was content. They called the child Ryou Bakura.

* * *

"Oh bugger. He'd better stay Ryou!" Bakura said warningly.

* * *

Now the queen was the most fabulous woman in all the land, and very proud of her fabulousness. She had a mirror, which she stood in front of every morning, and asked:

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall,  
Who in this land is most fabulous of all?"

And the mirror always said:

"You, my queen, are most fabulous of all."

And then she knew for certain that no one in the world was more fabulous than she.

Now Ryou Bakura grew up, and when he was seven years old, he found a mysterious ring, with a long cord attatched to it. He put the cord about his neck, and felt himself change. Here was the red and the black the queen had wished for; a longing for red blood, and a black heart and soul. This instantly made him so fabulous, that he surpassed even the queen herself. Now when Queen Pegasus asked her mirror:

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall,  
Who in this land is most fabulous of all?"

The mirror said:

"You, my queen, are fabulous; it is true.  
But Ryou Bakura is still  
A thousand times more fabulous than you."

* * *

"Wait a second, I thought it was going to be me. Why is he still called Ryou?"

"Do you _want_ to be in the story, Fluffy?"

"No, but for a second there I was worried…and don't call me Fluffy!"

* * *

When the queen heard the mirror say this, she became pale with envy, and from that hour on, she hated Ryou. Whenever she looked at him, she thought that Ryou Bakura was to blame that she was no longer the most fabulous queen in the world. This turned her heart around. Her jealousy gave her no peace. Finally she summoned a rare hunter and said to him, "Take Ryou Bakura out into the woods to a remote spot, and stab him to death. As proof that he is dead bring his lungs and her liver back to me. I shall cook them with salt and eat them."

* * *

"Now that's just revolting." Marik complained. Bakura looked over at him and grinned.

"Oh I don't know…the lungs are a bit unorthodox, but I could quite happily eat my opponent's liver."

* * *

Steve the hunter took Ryou Bakura into the woods. When he took out his hunting knife to stab the boy, a strange power came over Ryo. Steve found himself powerless as Bakura seized his knife and stabbed him with it, laughing evilly.

* * *

"Yes, finally, a bit of action in this stupid story!" Bakura cheered.

* * *

Suddenly, Ryou was horrified at what he had done. He ran away, deep into the woods, and the huntsman was too afraid to chase after him. Just then a young boar came running by where the huntsman stood. Steve killed it, cut out its lungs and liver, and took them back to Queen Pegasus as proof of Ryou Bakura's death. She cooked them with salt and ate them, supposing that she had eaten Ryou Bakura's lungs and liver.

Ryou was now all alone in the great forest. He was terribly afraid, and began to run. He ran over sharp stones and through thorns the entire day. Finally, just as the sun was about to set, he came to a little house, belonging to five dwarfs. They were working in a mine, and not at home. Ryou went inside and found everything to be small, but neat and orderly. There was a little table with five little plates, five little spoons, five little knives and forks, five little mugs, and against the wall there were five little beds, all freshly made.

Ryou was hungry and thirsty, so he ate a few vegetables and a little bread from each little plate, and from each little glass he drank a drop of wine. Because he was so tired, he wanted to lie down and go to sleep. He tried each of the five little beds, one after the other, but none felt right until he came to the fifth one, and he lay down in it and fell asleep.

When night came, the five dwarfs returned home from the work. They lit their five little candles, and saw that someone had been in their house.

The first one said, "Who has been sitting in my chair?"

The second one, "Who has been eating from my plate?"

The third one, "Who has been eating my bread?"

The fourth one, "Who has been eating my vegetables?"

The fifth one, "Who has been sticking with my fork?"

The first one, "Who has been cutting with my knife?"

The second one, "Who has been drinking from my glass?"

Then the first one said, "Who stepped on my bed?"

The second one, "And someone has been lying in my bed."

And so on until the fifth one, and when he looked at his bed, he found Ryou Bakura lying there, fast asleep. The other four dwarfs all came running, and they cried out with amazement. They fetched their five candles and looked at Ryou. "Good heavens! Good heavens!" they cried. "He is so cute!" They liked him very much. They did not wake him up, but let him lie there in the bed. The fifth dwarf had to share a bed with the fourth.

When Ryou Bakura woke up, they asked him who he was and how he had found his way to their house. He told them how his mother had tried to kill her, but pretended that the rare hunter had spared his life. The dwarfs pitied him and said,

"If you will keep house for us, and cook, sew, make beds, wash, and knit, and keep everything clean and orderly, then you can stay here, and you'll have everything that you want. We come home in the evening, and supper must be ready by then, but we spend the days digging for gold in the mine. You will be alone then. Watch out for the queen, and do not let anyone in." They also introduced themselves to Ryou, who found that the dwarves' names were Yugi, Mokuba, Rebecca, Teddy and Solomon.

* * *

"Wait, who is Solomon? And Teddy? I demand answers!" Marik exclaimed.

"Solomon is that old man that Yugi lives with, and Teddy is that small girl's toy bear." Bakura explained.

* * *

The queen thought that she was again the most fabulous person in the land, and the next morning she stepped before the mirror and asked:

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall,  
Who in this land is most fabulous of all?"

The mirror answered once again:

"You, my queen, are fabulous; it is true.  
But Bakura beyond the five mountains  
Is a thousand times more fabulous than you."

It startled the queen to hear this, and she knew that she had been deceived, that the rare hunter had not killed Ryou Bakura. Because only the five dwarfs lived in the five mountains, she knew at once that they must have rescued him. She began to plan immediately how she might kill Ryou, because she would have no peace until the mirror once again said that she was the most fabulous woman in the land. At last she thought of something to do. She disguised herself as an old peddler woman and coloured her face, so that no one would recognize her, and went to the dwarf's house. Knocking on the door she called out, "Open up. Open up. I'm the old peddler woman with good wares for sale."

Ryou peered out the window, "What do you have?"

"Hair combs, dear child," said the old woman, and held one up. It glittered in the sunlight. "Would you like this one?"

"Oh, yes," said Ryou Bakura, thinking, "I can let the old woman come in. She means well." Ryou opened the door, and bought the comb from the old woman.

"Come, let me comb your hair," she said. She had barely stuck the comb into Ryou's hair, before the boy fell down and was dead, as she had poisoned it. "That will keep you lying there," said the queen. And she went home with a light heart.

The dwarfs came home just in time. They saw what had happened and pulled the poisoned comb from Ryou's hair. He opened his eyes and came back to life, promising the dwarfs he would not let anyone in again.

The queen stepped before her mirror:

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall,  
Who in this land is most fabulous of all?"

The mirror answered:

"You, my queen, are fabulous; it is true.  
But Ryou Bakura with the five dwarfs  
Is a thousand times more fabulous than you."

When Queen Pegasus heard this, she shook and trembled with anger, "Ryou will die, if it costs me my life!" Then she went into her most secret room -- no one else was allowed inside -- and she made a poisoned, poisoned apple.

* * *

"What, she poisoned it twice?" Marik asked, puzzled.

"No you fool, it's repetition."

"There's no need to be mean, Bakura."

"You _do_ know who you're talking to, right?"

"I'm not a complete idiot, you know!"

"Could have fooled me" Bakura muttered.

"Hey! I heard that, Binky-boy!"

* * *

From the outside it was red and beautiful, and anyone who saw it would want it. Then she disguised herself as a peasant woman, went to the dwarfs' house and knocked on the door.

Ryou peeped out and said, "I'm not allowed to let anyone in. The dwarfs have forbidden it most severely."

"If you don't want to, I can't force you," said the peasant woman. "I am selling these apples, and I will give you one to taste."

"No, I can't accept anything. The dwarfs don't want me to."

"If you are afraid, then I will cut the apple in two and eat half of it-" She began when Bakura interrupted.

"I'm not afraid of your apple! Give it here!" Bakura grabbed the apple and bit into it, but he barely had the bite in his mouth when he fell to the ground dead.

* * *

"Aha! Who is the idiot now, binky-boy?"

"Marik, be quiet or I will hurt you."

* * *

The queen was happy, went home, and asked her mirror:

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall,  
Who in this land is most fabulous of all?"

And it answered:

"You, my queen, are most fabulous of all."

"Now I'll have some peace," she said, "because once again I'm the most fabulous woman in the land. Ryou Bakura will remain dead this time."

That evening the dwarfs returned home from the mines. Bakura was lying on the floor, and he was dead. They loosened his clothes and looked around for something poisonous, but nothing helped. They could not bring him back to life. They laid him on a bier,

* * *

"Why would that help?" Marik interrupted again.

"Bier you idiot, not beer! They think I-_he_ is dead."

"Hah! You said I! You said I!" Marik taunted

"I will hurt you quite happily if you don't shut up. _Now_."

* * *

and all five sat next to him and cried and cried for three days. They were going to bury him, but they saw that he remained fresh. He did not look at all like a dead person, and his hair seemed to be growing. They had a glass coffin made for him, and laid him inside, so that he could be seen easily. They wrote his name and her ancestry on it in silver letters, and one of them always stayed at home and kept watch over him.

Bakura lay there in the coffin a long, long time, and he did not decay. He was still as white as snow and his hair kept on slowly growing, and if he had been able to open her eyes, they still would have been as dark as ebony wood. He lay there as if merely asleep.

One day a young prince came to the dwarfs' house and wanted shelter for the night. When he came into their parlour and saw Bakura lying there in a glass coffin, illuminated so beautifully by five little candles, he could not get enough of his beauty. He read the silver inscription and saw that Bakura was the son of a king. He asked the dwarfs to sell him the coffin with the dead Bakura, but they would not do this for any amount of gold. Then he asked them to give Bakura to him, for he could not live without being able to see him, and he would keep him, and honour him as his most cherished thing on earth. Then the dwarfs took pity on him and gave him the coffin.

* * *

"Good to know your friends'll give up your dead body to a random prince." Bakura commented.

* * *

The prince had it carried to his castle, and had it placed in a room where he sat by it the whole day, never taking his eyes from it. Whenever he had to go out and was unable to see Bakura, he became sad. And he could not eat a bite, unless the coffin was standing next to him. Now the servants who always had to carry the coffin to and fro became angry about this. One time one of them opened the coffin, lifted Bakura upright, and said, "We are plagued the whole day long, just because of such a dead boy," and he hit him in the back with his hand. Then the terrible piece of apple that he had bitten off came out of his throat, and Bakura came back to life. After punishing the servant that had woken him, he walked up to the prince, who was beside himself with joy to see his beloved Bakura alive. They sat down together at the table and ate.

Their wedding was set for the next day, and Bakura's mother Queen Pegasus was invited as well. That morning she stepped before the mirror and said:

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall,  
Who in this land is most fabulous of all?"

The mirror answered:

"You, my queen, are fabulous; it is true.  
But the young queen  
Is a thousand times more fabulous than you."

"Wait, I have to be a queen too?" Bakura demanded. "I can understand Pegasus being a queen, but – and you stop laughing, Rapunzel!" He snapped at Marik.

She was horrified to hear this, and so overtaken with fear that she could not say anything. Still, her jealousy drove her to go to the wedding and see the young queen. When she arrived she saw that it was Bakura, who had the idea of putting a pair of iron shoes into the fire until they glowed, and forcing Queen Pegasus to put them on and dance in them. Her feet were terribly burned, and she could not stop until she had danced herself to death.

* * *

"Wait, but who was the prince? It doesn't say!" Bakura objected.

"It was me!" A deep voice came from the doorway of the room, making Bakura fall off of his chair.

"Akefia!"


	3. The Little Mermaid

**The Little Mermaid**

**Commentary by Bakura and Marik**

Once upon a time, in a splendid palace on the bed of the bluest ocean, lived the Sea King, a wise old triton with a long flowing white beard. He lived in a magnificent palace, built of gaily coloured coral and seashells, together with his three children, two merboys and a mermaid.

Marik, the youngest and loveliest of them all, also had a beautiful voice, and when he sang, the fishes flocked from all over the sea to listen.

* * *

"This _is_ the same Marik we're talking about here, right?" Bakura snickered.

"I can sing, damn you!" Marik snarled at him.

"Trust me, I know. You just don't sing _well_."

* * *

The young mermarik often sang, and each time, he would gaze upwards, seeking the faint sunlight that scarcely managed to filter down into the depths.

"Oh, how I'd love to go up there and at last see the sky, which everyone says is so pretty, and hear the voices of humans and smell the scent of the flowers!"

"You're still too young!" said his older sister, Ishizu. "In a year or two, when you're sixteen. Only then will father let you go up there, like Odeon and I!" Marik spent his time wishing for the world of humans, he listened to his siblings' stories, and every time they returned from the surface, he would ask them questions, to satisfy his curiosity.

* * *

"Wait a second, I thought your father didn't let _any_ of you leave the tomb?" Bakura questioned Marik.

"He let Ishizu leave. I'm not sure about Odeon. But _someone_ had to go get food!" Marik explained.

* * *

And as he waited for the day when he would be allowed to reach the surface of the sea and meet the unknown world, Marik spent his time in his wonderful sea garden. The seahorses kept him company, and sometimes a dolphin would come and play. At last, his long-desired birthday came. The night before, Marik could not sleep a wink. In the morning, his father called him and, stroking his long golden hair, slipped a lovely carved flower into it . . .

* * *

"Hey! No-one touches the hair!" Marik complained. Immediately, Bakura reached over and pulled his hair. Hard.

* * *

"There, now you can go to the surface. You'll breathe air and see the sky. But remember! It's not our world! We can only watch it and admire! We're children of the sea and have no soul, as men do. Be careful and keep away from them; they can only bring bad luck!" In a second, Marik had kissed his father

* * *

"Eew! I'm not kissing him!" Marik protested.

* * *

and was darting smoothly towards the surface of the sea. He swam so fast with flicks of his slender tail that even the fish could not keep up with him.

Suddenly he popped out of the water. How wonderful! For the first time, he saw the great blue sky, in which as dusk began to fall, the first stars were peeping out and twinkling. The sun, already over the horizon, trailed a golden reflection that gently faded on the heaving waves.

"It's so lovely!" Marik exclaimed happily. But another nice surprise was in store for him: a ship was slowly sailing towards the rock on which he was sitting. The sailors dropped anchor and the ship swayed gently in the calm sea. Marik watched the men go about their work aboard, lighting the lanterns for the night. He could clearly hear their voices.

"I'd love to speak to them!" he thought. But then he gazed sadly at his long flexible tail, his equivalent of legs, and said to himself: "I can never be like them!" Aboard ship, a strange excitement seemed to seize the crew, and a little later, the sky became a spray of many coloured lights and the crackle of fireworks filled the sky.

"Long live the captain! Hurray for his 20th birthday. Hurray! Hurray . . . many happy returns!" Astonished at all this, the little mermarik caught sight of the young man in whose honour the display was being held. Tall and dignified, with long white hair,

* * *

"Oh bugger" Bakura commented.

* * *

he was smiling happily, and Marik could not take his eyes from the man. He followed his every movement, fascinated by all that was happening. The party went on, but the sea grew more agitated. Marik anxiously realized that the men were now in danger: an icy wind was sweeping the waves, the ink black sky was torn by flashes of lightning, then a terrible storm broke suddenly over the helpless ship. In vain Marik screamed;

"Look out! Beware of the sea . . ." But the howling wind carried his words away, and the rising waves swept over the ship. Amidst the sailors' shouts, masts and sails toppled onto the deck, and with a sinister splintering sound, the ship sank.

By the light of one of the oil lamps Marik had seen the young captain fall into the water, and he swam to his rescue. But she could not find him in the high waves and, tired out, was about to give up, when suddenly there he was on the crest of a nearby wave. In an instant, he was swept straight into the merboy's arms.

The young man was unconscious and Marik held his head above water in the stormy sea, in an effort to save his life. He clung to the man for hours trying to fight the tiredness that was overtaking him.

Then, as suddenly as it had sprung up, the storm died away. In a grey dawn over a still angry sea, Marik realized thankfully that land lay ahead.

* * *

"Wait, why am I helping this guy anyway? I don't know anything about him! He's just some random captain with white…hair…Bakura, you don't think it's…"

"Really, Marik? You didn't work that out?...then again, I suppose I'm not _that_ surprised…"

* * *

Aided by the motion of the waves, he pushed the captain's body onto the shore, beyond the water's edge. Unable himself to walk, the merboy sat wringing his hands, his tail lapped by the rippling water, trying to warm the young captain with his own body.

* * *

"Why Marik, I didn't know you cared!"

"Oh, go drown yourself, Fluffy." Marik muttered angrily.

"Stop bloody calling me that!"

* * *

Then the sound of approaching voices startled Marik and he slipped back into deeper water.

"Come quickly! Quickly!" came a woman's voice in alarm. "There's a man here! Look, I think he's unconscious!" The captain was now in good hands.

"Let's take him up to the castle!"

"No, no! Better get help . . ." And the first thing the young man saw when he opened his eyes again was the beautiful face of the youngest of a group of three ladies.

"Thank you! Thank you . . . for saving my life . . ." he murmured to the lovely unknown lady.

From the sea Marik watched the man he had snatched from the waves turn towards the castle, without knowing that a merboy had saved his life. Slowly swimming out to sea, Marik felt that there on the beach he had left behind something he could never bring himself to forget. How wonderful those tremendous hours in the storm had been, as he had battled with the elements. And as he swam down towards his father's palace, his siblings came to meet him, anxious to know what had kept him so long on the surface.

Marik started to tell his story, but suddenly a lump came to his throat and, bursting into tears, he fled to his room. He stayed there for days, refusing to see anyone or to touch food. He knew that his love for the young captain was without hope, for he was a merboy and could never marry a human. Only Yami Marik, the Witch of the Deeps, could help him. But what price would he have to pay? Marik decided to ask the Witch.

* * *

"How is my Yami a witch? And _why_ is he the witch?" Marik demanded

"I don't know, nor do I care. Now shut up." Was Bakura's response.

* * *

". . . so you want to get rid of your fishy tail, do you? I expect you'd like to have a pair of man's legs, isn't that so?" said the nasty Witch scornfully, from her cave guarded by the giant squid, Steve.

"Be warned!" he went on. "You will suffer horribly, as though a sword were cutting you apart. And every time you place your feet on the earth, you will feel dreadful pain!"

"It doesn't matter!" whispered Marik, with tears in his eyes. "As long as I can go back to him!"

* * *

"Yeah I'm a fool for love  
'Cause I just can't give you up  
I'm a fool for love  
Wish I could stop, Wish I could  
stop  
I'm a fool love  
I just can't get enough  
I'm a fool for love-" Marik sang before he was cut off by Bakura's hands around his neck.

"Ak! Bakura, I was trying to sing!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you had something stuck in your throat."

"So you strangled me!?"

"Well, it stopped you from making that noise, didn't it?"

* * *

"And that's not all!" exclaimed the Witch. "In exchange for my spell, you must give me your lovely voice. You'll never be able to utter a word again! And don't forget! If the man you love marries someone else, you will not be able to turn into a merboy again. You will just dissolve in water like the foam on the wave!"

"All right!" said Marik, eagerly taking the little jar holding the magic potion.

* * *

"Wow Marik, you're an idiot in this one." Bakura commented.

"Shut up Snow White!" Marik yelled.

"Rapunzel!"

"Fluffy!"

* * *

The Witch had told Marik that the young captain was actually a prince named Bakura, and so he left the water at a spot not far from the castle. He pulled himself onto the beach, then drank the magic potion. An agonizing pain made him faint, and when he came to his senses, he could mistily see the face he loved, smiling down at him.

Yami Marik's magic had worked the spell, for the prince had felt a strange desire to go down to the beach, just as Marik was arriving. There prince Bakura had found Marik, and recalling how he too had once been washed up on the shore, gently laid his robe over the still body, cast up by the waves.

"Don't be frightened!" he said quickly. "You're quite safe! Where have you come from?" But Marik could not reply, so the prince softly stroked his wet cheek.

"I'll take you to the castle and look after you," he said. In the days that followed, the merboy started a new life. He wore splendid clothes and often went out horse riding with the prince. One evening, he was invited to a great ball at Court. However, as the Witch had foretold, every movement and each step he took was torture. Marik bravely put up with his suffering, glad to be allowed to stay near his beloved prince. And though he could not speak to him, he was fond of the boy and showered kindness on him. However, Bakura's heart really belonged to the unknown lady he had seen as he lay on the shore, though he had never met her since, for she had returned at once to her own land.

Even when he was in the company of Marik, fond of him as he was, the unknown lady was always in his thoughts. And the little merboy, guessing instinctively that he was not his true love, suffered even more.

* * *

"Aw, poor likkle Marik wants twue wuv. How cute." Bakura mocked.

"Shut up, Fluffy!" Marik snapped, blushing slightly.

* * *

Marik often crept out of the castle at night, to weep by the seashore. Once he thought he could see his siblings rise from the water and wave at him, but this made him feel sadder than ever.

Fate, however, had another surprise in store. From the castle ramparts one day, a huge ship was sighted sailing into the harbour. Together with Marik, the prince went down to meet it. And who stepped from the vessel, but the unknown lady who had been for long in the prince's heart. When he saw her, he rushed to greet her. Marik felt himself turn to stone and a painful feeling pierced his heart: he was about to lose the prince forever. The unknown lady too had never forgotten the young man she had found on the beach and soon after, he asked her to marry him. Since she too was in love, she happily said "yes".

A few days after the wedding, the happy couple were invited for a voyage on the huge ship, which was still in the harbour. Marik too went on board, and the ship set sail. Night fell, and sick at heart over the loss of the prince, Marik went on deck. He remembered the Witch's prophecy, and was now ready to give up his life and dissolve in the sea. Suddenly he heard a cry from the water and dimly saw his brother and sister in the darkness. "Marik! Marik! It's us, Odeon and Ishizu! We've heard all about what happened! Look! Do you see this knife? It's magic! The Witch gave it to us in exchange for Odeon's hair. Take it! Kill the prince before dawn, and you will become a merboy again and forget all your troubles!"

As though in a trance, Marik clasped the knife and entered the cabin where Bakura and his bride Ryou

* * *

"What?! Ryou? _Ryou?_ How the bloody hell am I married to _Ryou_?" Bakura spluttered. "Then again, it makes sense that he's a girl. He does look like one…"He added.

* * *

lay asleep. But as he gazed at the young man's sleeping face, he simply blew him a furtive kiss, before running back on deck. When dawn broke, he threw the knife into the sea. Then he shot a parting glance at the world he was leaving behind, and dived into the waves, ready to turn into the foam of the sea from whence he had come, and vanish.

As the sun rose over the horizon, it cast a long golden ray of light across the sea, and in the chilly water, Marik turned towards it for the last time. Suddenly, as though by magic, a mysterious force drew him out of the water, and he felt himself lifted high into the sky. The clouds were tinged with pink, the sea rippled in the early morning breeze, and the little mermarik heard a whisper through the tinkling of bells: "Marik, Marik! Come with us ..."

"Who are you?" asked the merboy, surprised to find he had recovered the use of his voice. "Where am l?"

"You're with us in the sky. We're the fairies of the air! We have no soul as men do, but our task is to help them. We take amongst us only those who have shown kindness to men!"

Greatly touched, Marik looked down over the sea towards the prince's ship, and felt tears spring to his eyes. The fairies of the air whispered to her: "Look! The earth flowers are waiting for our tears to turn into the morning dew! Come along with us ..."

* * *

"Kindness!?! Curses! I am not kind!" Marik ranted

"Hey, look on the bright side," Bakura told him, "you get to be a sort-of god now."

"It isn't a god! It's a fairy!" Marik complained.

"Yeah, you're right." agreed Bakura. "You _are_ a fairy."


	4. Aladdin

**Aladdin**

**With commentary by Bakura and Marik**

Once upon a time there lived a widow who had a son named Ryou. They were very poor and lived from hand to mouth, though Ryou did what he could to earn some pennies, by picking bananas in faraway places. One day, as he was looking for wild figs in a grove some way from the town, Ryou met a mysterious stranger. This man had long silver hair, and was smartly dressed. He asked Ryou an unusual question:

"Come here, boy," he ordered. "How would you like to earn a silver penny?"

"A silver penny!" exclaimed Ryou. "Sir, I'd do nearly anything for that kind of payment."

"I'm not going to ask you to do much. Just go down through that hole. I'm much too big to squeeze through myself. If you do as I ask, you'll have your reward." Slim and agile as he was, the boy easily went down. His feet touched stone and he carefully made his way down some steps . . . and found himself in a large chamber. It seemed to sparkle, though dimly lit by the flickering light of an old oil lamp. When Ryou's eyes became used to the gloom, he saw a wonderful sight: trees dripping with glittering jewels, pots of gold and caskets full of priceless gems. Thousands of precious objects lay scattered about, including a golden eyeball, a golden set of scales, a golden key, a golden rod, a golden pyramid, a golden necklace and a large golden ring, all of which were covered in layers of dust.

* * *

"Well, that was subtle. Any guess as to who I'm going to be?" Bakura muttered.

"What? I don't get it." Marik complained.

* * *

It was a treasure trove! Unable to believe his eyes, Ryou was standing dazed when he heard a shout behind him. "The golden eye! Bring me the eye!" Surprised and suspicious, for why should the stranger, out of all such a treasure want only the smallest item, Ryou wondered. Perhaps he was a wizard. He decided to be on his guard. Picking up the eyeball, he retraced his steps up to the entrance.

"Give me the eye," urged the wizard impatiently. "Hand it over," he began to shout, thrusting out his arm to grab it, but Ryou cautiously drew back. "Let me out first . . ." "Too bad for you," snapped the stranger, walking off. A terrified Ryou was left in pitch darkness, wondering what the wizard would do next. In front of him, he noticed a strange golden light. It was the seven golden items, lying on the ground. The brightest of all was the large golden ring, which shone through the dirt encrusted on it. Picking it up, Ryou noticed there was a cord looped around the top. He placed it around his neck.

Suddenly the room was flooded with a bright light and a spirit with bright silver hair appeared in front of the boy.

"At your command, sire," said the spirit.

* * *

"Oh, like _I_ would ever say _that_ to _him_!" Bakura complained.

"Hah! You, at Ryou's command! That isn't something you see every day!" Marik laughed.

"I don't know what you're getting so high and mighty about, Mr lovesick mermaid!" Bakura snapped back at him.

* * *

Now astounded, Ryou could only stammer:

"I want to go home!" In a flash he was back in his own home, though the door was tightly shut.

"How did you get in?" called his mother from the kitchen stove, the minute she set eyes on him. Excitedly, her son told her of his adventures.

"Where's the silver coin?" his mother asked. Ryou clapped a hand to his brow. For all he had brought home was the dirty golden ring.

"Oh, mother! I'm so sorry. This is all I've got."

"Well, let's see if we can clean it. It's so dirty . . ." and the widow began to rub the ring. Suddenly out shot the spirit, in a cloud of smoke.

"You've set me free, after centuries! I was a prisoner in the ring, waiting to be freed by someone rubbing it. Now, I'm your obedient servant. Tell me your wishes." And the spirit bowed respectfully, awaiting Ryou's orders.

* * *

"Hah! I am enjoying this story greatly!" Marik laughed loudly.

"Shut up or I'll shut you up, idiot!" Bakura growled, reaching for something to throw at Marik.

* * *

The boy and his mother gaped wordlessly at this incredible apparition, then the spirit said with a hint of impatience in his voice,

"I'm here at your command. Tell me what you want. Anything you like!" Ryou gulped, then said: "Bring us . . . bring . . ." His mother not having yet begun to cook the dinner, went on to say: ". . . a lovely big meal." From that day on, the widow and her son had everything they could wish for: food, clothes and a fine home, for the spirit of the ring granted them everything they asked him. Ryou grew into a tall handsome young man and his mother felt that he ought to find himself a wife, sooner or later.

One day, as he left the market, Ryou happened to see the Sultan's daughter Marik in her sedan chair being carried through the streets.

* * *

"_What!_ I am NOT a girl! This story is wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, WRONG!" Marik ranted angrily.

"Finally, something we can agree on." Bakura muttered.

* * *

He only caught a fleeting glimpse of the princess, but it was enough for him to want to marry her. Ryou told his mother and she quickly said: "I'll ask the Sultan for his daughter's hand. He'll never be able to refuse. Wait and see!" And indeed, the Sultan was easily persuaded by a casket full of big diamonds to admit the widow to the palace. However, when he learned why she had come, he told the widow that her son must bring proof of his power and riches. This was mostly the Chamberlain Seto Kaiba's idea, for he himself was eager to marry the beautiful violet-eyed Sultan's daughter.

* * *

"AARGH! WORSE! That's worse! So very, very worse!" Marik screamed, while Bakura laughed.

* * *

"If Ryou wants to marry Marik,' said the Sultan, "he must send me forty slaves tomorrow. Every slave must bring a box of precious stones. And forty Arab warriors must escort the treasure." Ryou's mother went sadly home. The spirit of the magic ring had already worked wonders, but nothing like this. Ryou however, when he heard the news, was not at all dismayed. He picked up the ring, rubbed it harder than ever and told the spirit what he required. The spirit simply clapped his hands three times. Forty slaves magically appeared, carrying the gemstones, together with their escort of forty Arab warriors.

When he saw all this the next day, the Sultan was taken aback. He never imagined such wealth could exist. Just as he was about to accept Ryou as his daughter's bridegroom, the envious Chamberlain broke in with a question.

"Where will they live?" he asked. The Sultan pondered for a moment, then allowing greed to get the better of him, he told Ryou to build a great, splendid palace for Marik. Ryou went straight home and, in what was once a wilderness, the spirit built him a palace. The last obstacle had been overcome. The wedding took place with great celebrations and the Sultan was especially happy at finding such a rich and powerful son-in-law. News of Ryou's sudden fortune and wealth spread like wildfire, until one day, a strange merchant stopped beneath the palace window.

"Old rings for new," he called to the princess, standing on the balcony. Now, Ryou had always kept his secret to himself. Only his mother knew it and she had never told a soul. Marik, alas, had been kept in the dark. And so, now, wanting to give Ryou a surprise as well as make a good bargain, she fetched the old ring she had seen Ryou tuck away, and gave it to the merchant in exchange for a new one. The merchant quickly began to rub it . . . and the spirit was now at the service of the wizard who had got his magic ring back. In a second he whisked away all Ryou's possessions and magically sent the palace and the princess to an unknown land. Ryou and the Sultan were at their wits' end. Nobody knew what had happened. Only Ryou knew it had something to do with the magic ring. But as he wept over the lost spirit of the ring, he remembered something the spirit had once said. He had given Ryou a smaller ring to wear on his finger, explaining that it contained a lesser spirit. All Ryou had to do to summon it was to twist the ring three times on his finger.

Ryou grabbed the ring, and twisted it round and round.

"Take me to the place where the wizard has hidden my wife," he ordered the spirit, who had tall, pointy hair, and wore a long, dark cloak. In a flash, he found himself inside his own palace, and peeping from behind a curtain, he saw the wizard and the princess, now his servant.

"Psst! Psst!" hissed Ryou.

"Ryou! It's you . . .!"

"Ssh. Don't let him hear you. Take this powder and put it into his tea. Trust me." The powder quickly took effect and the wizard fell into a deep sleep. Ryou hunted for the ring high and low, but it was nowhere to be seen. But it had to be there. How, otherwise, had the wizard moved the palace? As Ryou gazed at his sleeping enemy, he thought of peering underneath the pillow.

"The ring! At last," sighed Ryou, hastily rubbing it. "Welcome back, Master!" exclaimed the spirit. "Why did you leave me at another's service for so long?"

"Welcome," replied Ryou. "I'm glad to see you again. I've certainly missed you! It's just as well I have you by me again."

"At your command," smiled the spirit. "First, put this wicked wizard in chains and take him far away where he'll never be found again." The spirit grinned with pleasure, nodded his head, and the wizard vanished. Marik clutched Ryou in fear:

* * *

"Wuss." Bakura commented. Marik aimed a punch at his arm, but Bakura caught his hand before the punch could land.

* * *

"What's going on? Who is that spirit?" She asked.

"Don't worry, everything is all right," Ryou reassured her, as he told his wife the whole story of how he had met the wizard and found the magic ring that had enabled him to marry her. Everything went back to normal and the happy pair hugged each other tenderly.

"Can we return to our own kingdom?" the princess asked timidly, thinking of her father, so far away. Ryou glanced at her with a smile.

"The magic that brought you here will take you back, but with me at your side, forever." The Sultan was almost ill with worry. His daughter had disappeared along with the palace, and then his son- in-law had vanished too. Nobody knew where they were, not even the wise men hastily called to the palace to divine what had happened. The jealous Chamberlain kept on repeating:

"I told you Ryou's fortune couldn't last." Everyone had lost all hope of ever seeing the missing pair again, when far away, Ryou rubbed the magic ring and said to the spirit,

"Take my wife, myself and the palace back to our own land, as fast as you can."

"In a flash, Sire," replied the spirit. At the snap of a finger, the palace rose into the air and sped over the Sultan's kingdom, above the heads of his astonished subjects. It gently floated down to earth and landed on its old site. Ryou and Marik rushed to embrace the Sultan. To this very day, in that distant country, you can still admire the traces of an ancient palace which folk call the palace that came from the skies.

* * *

"I wish I really had that much power." Bakura sighed miserably.

"All in good time, Fluffy." Marik reassured him.

"Stop calling me that!" Bakura yelled in response.


	5. Goldilocks and the Three Bears

**Goldilocks and the Three Bears**

**Commentary by Bakura and Marik**

Once upon a time in a large forest, close to a village, stood the cottage where the Bakura family lived. Akefia Bakura was very big, Yami Bakura was middling in size, and Ryou Bakura was tiny.

"So now I'm a bear? Oh joy. Well, it's better than being Ryou's slave." Bakura grumbled.

Each bear had its own size of bed. Akefia Bakura's was large and nice and comfy. Yami Bakura's bed was middling in size, while Ryou Bakura had a fine little cherrywood bed that Akefia Bakura had ordered from a couple of beaver friends.

Beside the fireplace, around which the family sat in the evenings, stood a large carved chair for the head of the house, a delightful blue velvet armchair for Yami Bakura, and a very little chair for Ryou Bakura.

"Armchair? What is this nonsense? I want a throne!" Bakura demanded.

"Put a sock in it, Fluffy." Was Marik's response.

Neatly laid out on the kitchen table stood three china bowls. A large one for Akefia Bakura, a smaller one for Yami Bakura, and a little bowl for Ryou Bakura.

The neighbours were all very respectful to Akefia Bakura and people raised their hats when he went by. Akefia liked that and he always politely replied to their greetings. Yami Bakura had lots of friends.

"Bull. Since when do I have friends?" Bakura questioned.

"Lighten up will you, it's just a story!" Marik told him cheerfully.

"You're just happy because you're not in it yet!" Bakura snapped at him.

"So what? That's a reason to be happy, isn't it?" Marik replied.

He visited them in the afternoons to exchange good advice and recipes for jam and bottled fruit. Ryou Bakura, however, had hardly any friends.

"Again, wrong. He has far too many of them!" was Bakura's comment.

This was partly because he was rather a bully and liked to win games and arguments. He was a pest too and always getting into mischief.

"I think they must have gotten Ryou and you mixed up, Bakura." Marik said.

"What? I am not a pest! I am evil!" Bakura declared.

Not far away, lived a fair-haired little boy who had a similar nature to Ryou Bakura, only he was haughty and stuck-up as well, and though Ryou often asked him to come and play, he always said no.

One day, Yami Bakura made a nice pudding.

"Like hell I did."

It was a new recipe, with blueberries and other crushed berries. His friends told him it was delicious. When it was ready, he said to the family:

"It has to be left to cool now, otherwise it won't taste nice. That will take at least an hour. Why don't we go and visit the Mutos' new baby? Atem will be pleased to see us."

"Oh yes, I'm sure the pharaoh will be delighted to have Akefia and I over to visit." Bakura said sarcastically.

Akefia and Ryou would much rather have tucked into the pudding, warm or not, but they liked the thought of visiting the new baby.

'We must wear our best clothes, even for such a short visit. Everyone at the Mutos' will be very busy now, and we must not stay too long!" And so they set off along the pathway towards the river bank. A short time later, the stuck-up little boy, whose name was Goldimarik, passed by the Bakuras' house as he picked flowers.

"Curses! I am in the story!" Marik said

"Well who else did you think _Goldilocks_ would be?" Bakura questioned him

"I was hoping maybe Yugi…"

"Oh, what an ugly house the Bakuras have!" said Goldmarik to himself as he went down the hill. "I'm going to peep inside! It won't be beautiful like my house, but I'm dying to see where Ryou lives.' Knock! Knock! The little boy tapped on the door. Knock! Knock! Not a sound...

"Surely someone will hear me knocking," Goldimarik said to himself, impatiently. "Anyone at home?" he called, peering round the door. Then he went into the empty house and started to explore the kitchen.

"A pudding!" he cried, dipping his finger into the pudding Yami Bakura had left to cool. "Quite nice!" he murmured, spooning it from Ryou's bowl. In a twinkling, the bowl lay empty on a messy table. With a full tummy, Goldimarik went on exploring.

"Now then, this must be Akefia's chair, this will be Yami's, and this one . . . must belong to my friend, Ryou. I'll just sit on it a while!" With these words, Goldimarik sat himself down onto the little chair which, quite unused to such a sudden weight, promptly broke a leg.

"Hahahahahah!" Bakura laughed.

"What? What is so funny?!" Marik demanded of him.

"You're too heavy for Ryou's chair… Fatass."

"Don't call me that!"

"Why not?...fatass."

"Fluffy!"

"Fatass"

"ARGH!"

Goldimarik crashed to the floor, but not in the least dismayed by the damage he had done, he went upstairs.

There was no mistaking which was Ryou's bed.

"Mm! Quite comfy!" he said, bouncing on it. "Not as nice as mine, but nearly! Then he yawned. I think I'll lie down, only for a minute . . . just to try the bed." And in next to no time, Goldimarik lay fast asleep in Ryou's bed. In the meantime, the Bakuras were on their way home.

"Wasn't the new Muto baby ever so small?" said Ryou to Yami and Akefia. "Was I as tiny as that when I was born?"

"Not quite, but almost," came the reply. From a distance, Akefia noticed the door was ajar.

"Hurry!" he cried. "Someone is in our house . . ." Was Akefia hungry or did a thought strike him? Anyway, he dashed into the kitchen. "I knew it! Somebody has gobbled up the pudding..."

"I bet he just wanted to eat it all for himself." Bakura muttered.

"Well, I would!" Marik told him.

"Yes, but that's because you're a fatass."

"Someone has been jumping up and down on my armchair!" complained Yami Bakura.

". . . and somebody's broken my chair!" wailed Ryou.

Where could the culprit be? They all ran upstairs and tiptoed in amazement over to Ryou's bed. In it lay Goldimarik, sound asleep. Ryou prodded his toe...

"Who's that? Where am I?" shrieked the little boy, waking with a start. Taking fright at the scowling faces bending over him, he clutched the bedclothes up to his chin. Then he jumped out of bed and fled down the stairs.

"Get away! Away from that house!" he told himself as he ran, forgetful of all the trouble he had so unkindly caused. But Ryou called from the door, waving his arm:

"Don't run away! Come back! I forgive you... come and play with me!"

"When he returned, however, Yami Bakura immediately cast him into the shadow realm, for eating all of his pudding."

"…I don't think that's how it ends, Bakura."

"No, but it should."

And this is how it all ended. From that day onwards, haughty rude Goldimarik became a pleasant little boy. He made friends with Ryou and often went to his house. He invited him to his house too, and they remained good friends, always.


	6. Little Red Riding Hood

**Little Red Riding Hood**

**Commentary by Bakura and Marik**

Once upon a time there was a dear little boy called Yugi

* * *

"You're not seriously saying we have to sit and listen to a story about Yugi, are you?" Marik whined.

"Why, would _you_ prefer to be little red riding hood?" Bakura asked him mockingly.

* * *

who was loved by everyone who looked at him, but most of all by his grandfather, and there was nothing that he would not have given to the child. Once he gave him a little riding hood of red velvet, which suited him so well that he would never wear anything else; so he was always called 'Little Red Riding Hood.'

One day his mother said to him: "Come, Little Red Riding Hood, here is a piece of cake and a bottle of wine; take them to your grandfather, he is ill and weak, and they will do him good. Set out before it gets hot, and when you are going, walk nicely and quietly and do not run off the path, or you may fall and break the bottle, and then your grandfather will get nothing; and when you go into his room, don't forget to say, "Good morning", and don't peep into every corner before you do it."

* * *

"Why would she say that?...Unless of course he's done that in the past." Marik mused. Bakura rolled his eyes.

"Why do you even care?" He asked Marik, who merely shrugged in response.

* * *

'I will take great care,' said Little Red Riding Hood to his mother, and gave his hand on it.  
The grandfather lived out in the wood, half a league from the village, and just as Little Red Riding Hood entered the wood, a large, white wolf met him.

* * *

"And it ripped his throat out. The end."

"Hah! You wish, fluffy."

"Yes, I really do. And stop bloody calling me bloody fluffy!"

* * *

Red Riding Hood did not know what a wicked creature he was, and was not at all afraid of him.

* * *

"You should be bloody afraid of me. I'm a wolf! Grr!"

* * *

"Good day, Little Red Riding Hood," said he.  
"Thank you kindly, wolf."  
"Where are you going so early, Little Red Riding Hood?"  
"To my grandfather's house."  
"What have you got in your apron?"  
"Cake and wine; yesterday was baking-day, so poor sick grandfather is to have something good, to make her stronger."  
"Where does your grandfather live, Little Red Riding Hood?"  
"A good quarter of a league farther on in the wood; her house stands under the three large oak-trees, the nut-trees are just below; you surely must know it," replied Little Red Riding Hood.  
The wolf thought to himself: 'What a tender young creature! What a nice plump mouthful - he will be better to eat than the old man. I must act craftily, so as to catch both.'

So he walked for a short time by the side of Little Red Riding Hood, and then he said: "See, Little Red Riding Hood, how pretty the flowers are about here - why do you not look round? I believe, too, that you do not hear how sweetly the little birds are singing; you walk gravely along as if you were going to school, while everything else out here in the wood is merry."

Little Red Riding Hood raised his eyes, and when he saw the sunbeams dancing here and there through the trees, and pretty flowers growing everywhere, he thought: 'Suppose I take grandfather a fresh nosegay; that would please him too. It is so early in the day that I shall still get there in good time.'  
So he ran from the path into the wood to look for flowers. And whenever he had picked one, he fancied that he saw a still prettier one farther on, and ran after it, and so got deeper and deeper into the wood.

* * *

"Yugi would be one to actually bother picking the flowers. Why not steal them from a shop like everyone else?" Bakura questioned.

"Actually fluffy, I think most people _buy_ flowers from shops." Marik reminded him.

"Pssh, same thing." Bakura waved his hand in the air.

* * *

Meanwhile the wolf ran straight to the grandfather's house and knocked at the door.  
"Who is there?"  
"Little Red Riding Hood," replied the wolf. "I am bringing cake and wine; open the door."  
"Lift the latch," called out the grandfather, "I am too weak, and cannot get up."

The wolf lifted the latch, the door sprang open, and without saying a word he went straight to the grandfather's bed, and devoured him. Then he put on his clothes, dressed himself in his cap, laid himself in bed and drew the curtains.

Little Red Riding Hood, however, had been running about picking flowers, and when he had gathered so many that he could carry no more, he remembered his grandfather, and set out on the way to him.

He was surprised to find the cottage-door standing open, and when he went into the room, he had such a strange feeling that he said to himself: 'Oh dear! How uneasy I feel today, and at other times I like being with grandfather so much.'

* * *

"*cough*INCEST*cough*" Bakura grinned.

* * *

He called out: 'Good morning,' but received no answer; so he went to the bed and drew back the curtains. There lay his grandfather with his cap pulled far over his face, and looking very strange.  
"Oh! grandfather," he said, "what big ears you have!"

* * *

"You know, he's got a point there. Your ears are rather large." Marik told Bakura.

"What are you on about?" Bakura asked him. In answer Marik reached over and tugged one of his bangs.

"Those aren't ears you idiot, that's my hair!" Bakura snapped at him.

* * *

"All the better to hear you with, my child," was the reply.  
"But, grandfather, what big eyes you have!" he said.  
"All the better to see you with, my dear."  
'But, grandfather, what large hands you have!'  
'All the better to hug you with.'

* * *

"I don't hug. It isn't going to happen. Hug me and get stabbed. Please, try it." Bakura growled.

* * *

"Oh! but, grandfather, what a terrible big mouth you have!"  
"All the better to eat you with!"  
And scarcely had the wolf said this, than with one bound he was out of bed and swallowed up Red Riding Hood.

* * *

"Yes! Ha, I win! In your face, pharaoh! I ate your hikari!" Bakura leapt up and punched the air.

"I wouldn't count your chickens just yet, fluffy. The story isn't over yet."

"So? It'll just be about me, won't it!"

"I doubt it." Was Marik's response.

* * *

When the wolf had appeased his appetite, he lay down again in the bed, fell asleep and began to snore very loud.

* * *

"I don't snore!" Bakura interrupted.

"Oh yes you do!" Marik contradicted him. "You snore really loudly, too!"

* * *

A huntsman, named Atem, was just passing the house, and thought to himself: 'How the old man is snoring! I must just see if he wants anything.'

* * *

"No! Bad pharaoh. Bugger off!" Bakura growled.

* * *

So he went into the room, and when he came to the bed, he saw that the wolf was lying in it.  
'Do I find you here, you old sinner!' said he. 'I have long sought you!' But just as he was going to fire at him, it occurred to him that the wolf might have devoured the grandfather, and that he might still be saved, so he did not fire, but took a pair of scissors, and began to cut open the stomach of the sleeping wolf.

* * *

"Ow."

* * *

When he had made two snips, he saw the little red riding hood shining, and then he made two snips more, and the little boy sprang out, crying: "Ah, how frightened I have been! How dark it was inside the wolf."

* * *

"Oh come on! Even back in Ancient Egypt we knew that was impossible! And if you think it's bad being stuck in a wolf, little boy, try being trapped inside a millennium item for over 5000 years."

* * *

After that the aged grandfather came out alive also, but scarcely able to breathe. Red Riding Hood, however, quickly fetched great stones with which they filled the wolf's belly, and when he awoke, he wanted to run away, but the stones were so heavy that he collapsed at once, and fell dead.

* * *

"Bugger. I died."

"Hah! You lose again, fluffy!"

"Marik, we're on the same side, remember? Why are you happy that I lost?...and don't call me fluffy!!"

* * *

Then all three were delighted. The huntsman drew off the wolf's skin and went home with it; the grandfather ate the cake and drank the wine which Red Riding Hood had brought, and revived. But Red Riding Hood thought to himself: 'As long as I live, I will never leave the path by myself to run into the wood, when my mother has forbidden me to do so.'

It is also said that once, when Red Riding Hood was again taking cakes to the old grandmother, another, golden coloured wolf spoke to him, and tried to entice him from the path. Red Riding Hood, however, was on her guard, and went straight forward on her way, and told her grandfather that he had met the wolf, and that he had said 'good morning' to him, but with such a wicked look in his eyes, that if they had not been on the public road he was certain he would have eaten her up.

* * *

"Hah! You fail more than I did, Marik!" Bakura said triumphantly.

"What? How do you know it was me? It could have been my Yami!" Marik protested. Bakura just snorted at him.

* * *

"Well," said the grandfather, "we will shut the door, so that he cannot come in."  
Soon afterwards the wolf knocked, and cried: "Open the door, grandmother, I am Little Red Riding Hood, and am bringing you some cakes."  
But they did not speak, or open the door, so the golden wolf stole two or three times around the house, and at last jumped on the roof, intending to wait until Red Riding Hood went home in the evening, and then to steal after him and devour her in the darkness. But the grandfather saw what was in his thoughts.

In front of the house was a great stone trough, so he said to the child: "Take the pail, Red Riding Hood; I made some sausages yesterday, so carry the water in which I boiled them to the trough."  
Red Riding Hood carried until the great trough was quite full. Then the smell of the sausages reached the wolf, and he sniffed and peeped down, and at last stretched out his neck so far that he could no longer keep his footing and began to slip, and slipped down from the roof straight into the great trough, and was drowned. But Red Riding Hood went joyously home, and no one ever did anything to harm him again.

* * *

"Yuck, what a disgusting ending to an almost interesting story." Bakura complained.


	7. Hansel and Gretel

**Hansel and Gretel**

**Commentary by Bakura and Marik**

Near a great forest there lived a poor woodcutter named Akefia and his wife Ishizu, and his two children; the boy's name was Bakura and the girl's Marik.

* * *

"How the bloody hell am I supposed to be the son of _myself, 5000 years ago_, and _Marik's sister?_" (1)

"That's not the important thing here!" Marik exclaimed.

"Then what is?"

"I've been cast as a little girl!"

"You're point being…?"

"I am not female!"

"Could have fooled me." Bakura muttered.

* * *

They had very little food or drink, and once, when there was great famine in the land, Akefia could not even gain the daily bread. As he lay in bed one night thinking of this, and turning and tossing, he sighed heavily, and said to his wife Ishizu, "What will become of us? We cannot even feed our children; there is nothing left for ourselves."

"I will tell you what, husband," answered the wife; "we will take the children early in the morning into the forest, where it is thickest; we will make them a fire, and we will give each of them a piece of bread, then we will go to our work and leave them alone; they will never find the way home again, and we shall be quit of them."

* * *

"Mothering according to Ishizu: lesson one. If you can't be bothered to look after your children, abandon them in the nearby forest." Bakura said.

* * *

"No, wife," said the man, "I cannot do that; I cannot find in my heart to take my children into the forest and to leave them there alone; the wild animals would soon come and devour them."

"O you fool," said she, "then we will all four starve; you had better get the coffins ready," and she left him no peace until he consented. "But I really pity the poor children," said the man.

* * *

"Well, that makes it alright that you're abandoning us in the middle of a forest does it? I don't think so, binky-boy!"

* * *

The two children had not been able to sleep for hunger, and had heard what their step-mother had said to their father. Marik wept bitterly, and said to Bakura, "It is all over with us."

* * *

"Marik, you're such a girl." Bakura laughed.

"Shut up, fluffy." Marik snapped at him.

"Do be quiet, Marik," said Bakura, "and do not fret; I will manage something."

"Well, this guy almost sounds like me! The first part, anyway…"

* * *

And when the parents had gone to sleep he got up, put on his little coat, opened the back door, and slipped out. The moon was shining brightly, and the white flints that lay in front of the house glistened like pieces of silver. Bakura stooped and filled the little pocket of his coat as full as it would hold. Then he went back again, and said to Marik,

"Be easy, dear little sister, and go to sleep quietly," and laid himself down again in his bed. When the day was breaking, and before the sun had risen, Ishizu came and awakened the two children, saying, "Get up, you lazy bones; we are going into the forest to cut wood." Then she gave each of them a piece of bread, and said, "That is for dinner, and you must not eat it before then, for you will get no more." Marik carried the bread under her apron, for Bakura had his pockets full of the flints. Then they set off all together on their way to the forest. When they had gone a little way Bakura stood still and looked back towards the house, and this he did again and again, till his father said to him, "Bakura, what are you looking at? Take care not to forget your legs."

* * *

"Forget my legs?! What in the name of Ra is that supposed to mean? 'Sorry I'm being slow father, I _left my legs at home_'?!" Bakura said.

"You're right, it doesn't make much sense." Marik agreed with him.

"Not make sense? It's absolutely ludicrous!"

* * *

"O father," said Bakura, "I am looking at my little white kitten Ryou, who is sitting up on the roof to bid me good-bye."

"You young fool," said his mother, "that is not your kitten, but the sunshine on the chimney-pot."

* * *

"Mothering according to Ishizu: lesson two. Insult your children whenever possible. It will make them grow up strong." Bakura mocked.

* * *

Of course Bakura had not been looking at his kitten, but had been taking every now and then a flint from his pocket and dropping it on the road. When they reached the middle of the forest the father told the children to collect wood to make a fire to keep them, warm; and Bakura and Marik gathered brushwood enough for a little mountain and it was set on fire, and when the flame was burning quite high the wife said, "Now lie down by the fire and rest yourselves, you children, and we will go and cut wood; and when we are ready we will come and fetch you."

* * *

"Mothering according to Ishizu: lesson three. Leave your children next to a bonfire surrounded by trees." Bakura laughed "What could possibly go wrong in that scenario?" he added sarcastically.

"Well I can think of lots of things." Marik told him. "They might not die, for one!"

"…Marik, you do know those are _us_, right?"

* * *

So Bakura and Marik sat by the fire, and at noon they each ate their pieces of bread. They thought their father was in the wood all the time, as they seemed to hear the strokes of the axe: but really it was only a dry branch hanging to a withered tree that the wind moved to and fro. So when they had stayed there a long time their eyelids closed with weariness, and they fell fast asleep.

* * *

"Oh great, Bakura's asleep. Now we'll never leave the forest." Marik complained.

"And what exactly do you mean by that?" Bakura asked, his calm voice not a good sign.

"Well, it's just that it's impossible to wake you up in the morning…without getting mauled, that is."

* * *

When at last they woke it was night, and Marik began to cry, and said, "How shall we ever get out of this wood? "But Bakura comforted her, saying,

* * *

"…Bakura? Aren't you going to say anything? About me crying?...Bakura, are you even listening to me?!"

* * *

"Wait a little while longer, until the moon rises, and then we can easily find the way home." And when the full moon got up Bakura took his little sister by the hand, and followed the way where the flint stones shone like silver, and showed them the road. They walked on the whole night through, and at the break of day they came to their father's house. They knocked at the door, and when the childrens' mother opened it and saw that it was Bakura and Marik she said, "You naughty children, why did you sleep so long in the wood? we thought you were never coming home again!" But the father was glad, for it had gone to his heart to leave them both in the woods alone.

* * *

"…surely you wish to comment about Ishizu's mothering skills now? Bakura?"

* * *

Not very long after that there was again great scarcity in those parts, and the children heard their mother say at night in bed to their father, "Everything is finished up; we have only half a loaf, and after that the tale comes to an end. The children must be off; we will take them farther into the wood this time, so that they shall not be able to find the way back again; there is no other way to manage." The man felt sad at heart, and he thought, "It would better to share one's last morsel with one's children." But the wife would listen to nothing that he said, but scolded and reproached him. He who says A must say B too, and when a man has given in once he has to do it a second time.

* * *

"Hah! Akefia is whipped, hey, Bakura?..."

* * *

But the children were not asleep, and had heard all the talk. When the parents had gone to sleep Bakura got up to go out and get more flint stones, as he did before, but Ishizu had locked the door, and Bakura could not get out; but he comforted his little sister, and said, "Don't cry, Marik, and go to sleep quietly." Early the next morning their mother came and pulled the children out of bed. She gave them each a little piece of bread – less than before; and on the way to the wood Bakura crumbled the bread in his pocket, and often stopped to throw a crumb on the ground. "Bakura, what are you stopping behind and staring for?" said his father.

"I am looking at my little pigeon Téa sitting on the roof, to say good-bye to me," answered Bakura.

* * *

"And now you will make a comment about the pharaoh's friend being your bird, surely?...dammit Bakura, answer me!"

* * *

"You fool," said the wife, "that is no pigeon, but the morning sun shining on the chimney pots." Bakura went on as before, and strewed bread crumbs all along the road. The woman led the children far into the wood, where they had never been before in all their lives. And again there was a large fire made, and the mother said, "Sit still there, you children, and when you are tired you can go to sleep; we are going into the forest to cut wood, and in the evening, when we are ready to go home we will come and fetch you."

So when noon came Marik shared her bread with Bakura, who had strewed his along the road. Then they went to sleep, and the evening passed, and no one came for the poor children. When they awoke it was dark night, and Bakura comforted his little sister, and said, "Wait a little, Marik, until the moon gets up, then we shall be able to see the way home by the crumbs of bread that I have scattered along it."

So when the moon rose they got up, but they could find no crumbs of bread, for the birds of the woods and of the fields had come and picked them up. Bakura thought they might find the way all the same, but they could not. They went on all that night, and the next day from the morning until the evening, but they could not find the way out of the wood, and they were very hungry, for they had nothing to eat but the few berries they could pick up. And when they were so tired that they could no longer drag themselves along, they lay down under a tree and fell asleep.

It was now the third morning since they had left their father's house. They were always trying to get back to it, but instead of that they only found themselves farther in the wood, and if help had not soon come they would have been starved.

About noon they saw a pretty snow-white bird sitting on a bough, and singing so sweetly that they stopped to listen. And when he had finished the bird spread his wings and flew before them, and they followed after him until they came to a little house, and the bird perched on the roof, and when they came nearer they saw that the house was built of bread, and roofed with cakes; and the window was of transparent sugar.

"We will have some of this," said Bakura, "and make a fine meal. I will eat a piece of the roof, Marik, and you can have some of the window-that will taste sweet." So Bakura reached up and broke off a bit of the roof, just to see how it tasted, and Marik stood by the window and gnawed at it.

* * *

"Hah! They are fools, are they not Bakura? Eating someone's roof like that!...Bakura, why won't you answer me?!"

* * *

Then they heard a thin voice call out from inside;

"Nibble, nibble, like a mouse,  
Who is nibbling at my house?"

And the children answered,

"Never mind, It is the wind."

* * *

"The wind doesn't talk. Bloody idiots." Bakura muttered. Marik practically leapt onto him. "What the hell?! Get off of me!" Bakura spluttered, hitting him off.

"You're talking again!" Marik announced triumphantly.

"What are you on about? I told you; I went to get a drink." Bakura replied, rolling his eyes.

"No you didn't!"

"No? Well I meant to."

* * *

And they went on eating, never disturbing themselves. Bakura, who found that the roof tasted very nice, took down a great piece of it, and Marik pulled out a large round window-pane, and sat her down and began upon it.

Then the door opened, and an aged woman came out, leaning upon a crutch. Bakura and Marik felt very frightened, and let fall what they had in their hands. The old woman, however, nodded her head, and said,

"Ah, my dear children, how come you here? You must come indoors and stay with me, you will be no trouble." So she took them each by the hand, and led them into her little house. And there they found a good meal laid out, of milk and pancakes, with sugar, apples, and nuts. After that she showed them two little white beds, and Bakura and Marik laid themselves down on them, and thought they were in heaven.

The old woman, although her behaviour was so kind, was a wicked witch, who lay in wait for children, and had built the little house on purpose to entice them. When they were once inside she used to kill them, cook them, and eat them, and then it was a feast day with her. The witch's eyes were red, and she could not see very far, but she had a keen scent, like the beasts, and knew very well when human creatures were near. When she knew that Bakura and Marik were coming, she gave a spiteful laugh, and said triumphantly, "I have them, and they shall not escape me!"

Early in the morning, before the children were awake, she got up to look at them, and as they lay sleeping so peacefully with round rosy cheeks, she said to herself, "What a fine feast I shall have!" Then she grasped Bakura with her withered hand, and led him into a little stable, and shut him up behind a grating; and call and scream as he might, it was no good. Then she went back to Marik and shook her, crying,

"Get up, lazy bones; fetch water, and cook something nice for your brother; he is outside in the stable, and must be fattened up. And when he is fat enough I will eat him." Marik began to weep bitterly, but it was of no use, she had to do what the wicked witch bade her. And so the best kind of victuals was cooked for poor Bakura, while Marik got nothing but crab-shells.

* * *

"This witch is an idiot." Bakura commented. "Why not fatten both of them up?"

* * *

Each morning the old woman visited the little stable, and cried, "Bakura, stretch out your finger, that I may tell if you will soon be fat enough." Bakura, however, held out a little bone, and the old woman, who had weak eyes, could not see what it was, and supposing it to be Bakura's finger, wondered very much that it was not getting fatter.

When four weeks had passed and Bakura seemed to remain so thin, she lost patience and could wait no longer. "Now then, Marik," cried she to the little girl; "be quick and draw water; be Bakura fat or be he lean, tomorrow I must kill and cook him." Oh what a grief for the poor little sister to have to fetch water, and how the tears flowed down over her cheeks! "if we had been devoured by wild beasts in the wood at least we should have died together." She sobbed.

* * *

"For it's so much better for the two of them to die than just one." Bakura said mockingly. "Surely it's better for them if only one person dies…so long as the one that dies isn't me." He added as an afterthought.

"Hey! That means it would be me!" Marik objected.

"And? So long as I don't die, I'm fine with anyone else dying." Was Bakura's response.

* * *

"Spare me your lamentations," said the old woman; "they are of no avail." Early next morning Marik had to get up, make the fire, and fill the kettle. "First we will do the baking," said the old woman; "I have heated the oven already, and kneaded the dough." She pushed poor Marik towards the oven, out of which the flames were already shining.

"Creep in," said the witch, "and see if it is properly hot, so that the bread may be baked." And once Marik was in, she meant to shut the door upon her and let her be baked, and then she would have eaten her.

* * *

"See, this is why it would have been better to fatten up both of them." Bakura commented.

* * *

But Marik perceived her intention, and said, "I don't know how to do it: how shall I get in?"

"Stupid goose," said the old woman, "the opening is big enough, do you see? I could get in myself!"

* * *

"Hmm, that's a good name for you, Marik. I'll have to use it."

"What! No, it is not a good name for me!"

"Shut up will you, stupid goose."

* * *

and she stooped down and put her head in the oven's mouth. Then Marik gave her a push, so that she went in farther, and she shut the iron door upon her, and put up the bar. Oh how frightfully she howled! But Marik ran away, and left the wicked witch to burn miserably.

Marik went straight to Bakura, opened the stable-door, and cried, "Bakura, we are free! The old witch is dead!"

* * *

"Wait a minute, she didn't need a key or anything? Why on earth didn't she just open the stable at night and escape with him?" Marik demanded.

"Because then the story wouldn't have worked, you stupid goose."

* * *

Then out flew Bakura like a bird from its cage as soon as the door is opened. How happy they both were! How they fell each on the other's neck! And danced about, and kissed each other! And as they had nothing more to fear they went all over the old witch's house, and in every corner there stood chests of pearls and precious stones. "This is something better than flint stones," said Bakura, as he filled his pockets, and Marik, thinking she also would like to carry something home with her, filled her apron full.

"Now, away we go," said Bakura,"if we only can get out of the witch's wood." When they had journeyed a few hours they came to a great piece of water. "We can never get across this," said Bakura, "I see no stepping-stones and no bridge."

* * *

"No bridge? But there are loads of bridges around!" Bakura protested. "First one guy makes a bridge…then these other two guys make another bridge…then these three other guys are like 'oh, we're going to make the best bridge ever'…and before you know it everybody and their mother is making a bridge. So there's a bridge. Everywhere."

"…What the eff are you talking about?"

* * *

"And there is no boat either," said Marik; "but here comes a white duck; if I ask her she will help us over." So she cried,

"Duck, duck, here we stand,  
Bakura and Marik, on the land,  
Stepping-stones and bridge we lack,  
Carry us over on your nice white back."

And the duck came accordingly, and Bakura got upon her and told his sister to come too. "No," answered Marik, "that would be too hard upon the duck; we can go separately, one after the other." And that was how it was managed, and after that they went on happily, until they came to the wood, and the way grew more and more familiar, till at last they saw in the distance their father's house. Then they ran till they came up to it, rushed in at the door, and fell on their father's neck. The man had not had a quiet hour since he left his children in the wood; but the wife was dead.

* * *

"How convenient. She just happens to have died." Bakura commented.

* * *

And when Marik opened her apron the pearls and precious stones were scattered all over the room, and Bakura took one handful after another out of his pocket, all care was at an end, and they lived in great joy together.

**(1) And this is why floatshipping would never work.**

**Bakura's rant about bridges: anyone get the reference?**


	8. Sleeping Beauty

**Sleeping Beauty**

**Commentary by Bakura and Marik**

In times past there lived a king and queen, who said to each other every day of their lives, "Would that we had a child!" and yet they had none. But it happened once that when the queen was bathing, there came a frog out of the water, and he squatted on the ground, and said to her, "Thy wish shall be fulfilled; I have foreseen that before a year has gone by, thou shalt bring a son into the world."

And as the frog foretold, so it happened; and the queen bore a son so beautiful that the king could not contain himself for joy, and he ordained a great feast. Not only did he bid to it his relations, friends, and acquaintances, but also the fairies, that they might be kind and favourable to the child. There were seven of them in his kingdom, but as he had only provided six golden plates for them to eat from, one of them had to be left out.

* * *

"That's never a good plan." Marik commented.

"Oh? You're just worried that you're the fairy they left out."

"I am not a fairy!" Marik declared angrily.

"Don't you remember how the Little Mermaid ended?" Bakura asked him, grinning.

* * *

However, the feast was celebrated with all splendour; and as it drew to an end, the six fairies; fairy Seto, fairy Isis, fairy Shada, fairy Karim, fair Mahad and fairy Aknadin

* * *

"Actually, I can imagine that lot as fairies." Bakura mused.

"What? Who are they?" Marik demanded.

"They're the original keepers of the millennium items." Bakura replied. "They were bloody annoying, too."

* * *

stood forward to present to the child their wonderful gifts: one bestowed virtue, one beauty, a third riches, and so on, whatever there is in the world to wish for. And when five of them had said their say, in came the uninvited seventh, burning to revenge himself, and without greeting or respect, he cried with a loud voice, "In the fifteenth year of his age prince Marik

* * *

"What?! I am not virtuous! I am evil! Grr!" Marik shouted angrily.

"Well it had to be one of us, and I'm not exactly describable as 'beautiful'. You on the other hand are girly enough to pull it off." Bakura mocked him.

* * *

shall prick himself with a spindle and shall fall down dead." And without speaking one more word he turned away and left the hall. Everyone was terrified at his words, when the sixth fairy, Isis, came forward, for she had not yet bestowed her gift, and though she could not do away with the evil prophecy she could soften it, so she said, "I predict that the prince shall not die, but fall into a deep sleep for a hundred years."

* * *

"That sounds like something Ishizu would say." Commented Marik.

"That's because your sister is the reincarnation of priestess Isis. They're the same person."

* * *

Now the king, being desirous of saving his child even from this misfortune, gave commandment that all the spindles in his kingdom should be burnt up. The boy grew up, adorned with all the gifts of the fairies; and he was so lovely, modest, sweet, and kind and clever,

* * *

"That is not me! Argh! Get it right, people! My father was a bastard who hated us, and I am NOT like that!"

"Oh boo hoo, your daddy didn't love you." Bakura mocked him."Try having your whole village wiped out in order to make the power-hungry pharaoh stronger!"

* * *

that no one who saw him could help loving him. It happened one day, he being already fifteen years old, that the king and queen rode abroad, and prince Marik was left behind alone in the castle. He wandered about into all the nooks and corners, and into all the chambers and parlours, as the fancy took him, 'til at last he came to an old tower. He climbed the narrow winding stair which led to a little door, with a rusty key sticking out of the lock; he turned the key, and the door opened, and there in the little room sat an old man with a spindle, diligently spinning her flax.

"Good day," said prince Marik, "who are you, and what is it that you are you doing?"

"My name is Yami Marik, and I am spinning,"

* * *

"Again, he is the evil witch! Why!?" Marik demanded. Bakura grinned before answering.

"Well, you know how he's the evil inside you, only magnified? So basically, he's you?"

"Yeah, so?"

"And there's only one letter difference between witch and bitch…" Bakura trailed off, grinning, when he saw the look on Marik's face.

* * *

answered the old man, nodding his head.

"What thing is that that twists round so briskly ?" asked prince Marik, and taking the spindle into his hand he began to spin; but no sooner had he touched it than the evil prophecy was fulfilled, and he pricked his finger with it. In that very moment he fell back upon the bed that stood there, and lay in a deep sleep.

And this sleep fell upon the whole castle; the king and queen, who had returned and were in the great hall, fell fast asleep, and with them the whole court. The horses in their stalls, the dogs in the yard, the pigeons on the roof, the flies on the wall, the very fire that flickered on the hearth, became still, and slept like the rest; and the meat on the spit ceased roasting, and the cook, who was going to pull the scullion's hair for some mistake he had made, let him go, and went to sleep. And the wind ceased, and not a leaf fell from the trees about the castle. Then round about that place there grew a hedge of thorns thicker every year, until at last the whole castle was hidden from view, and nothing of it could be seen but the vane on the roof.

And a rumour went abroad in all that country of the beautiful sleeping Marik, and from time to time many princes came and tried to force their way through the hedge; but it was impossible for them to do so, for the thorns held fast together like strong hands, and the young men were caught by them, and not being able to get free, there died a lamentable death.

* * *

"Oh yes, it's such a shame that they died. The poor things." Bakura said.

* * *

Many a long year afterwards there came a prince into that country, and heard an old man tell how there should be a castle standing behind the hedge of thorns, and that there a beautiful enchanted prince named Marik had slept for a hundred years

* * *

"Oh wow, a hundred years. Like I'm supposed to be impressed by that." Bakura snorted. "Try 5000 years, in pitch darkness, without a body. At least they're asleep; I was conscious the _whole time_."

"Silence, binky-boy! I command you!"

"Marik, you can't command me to do anything; I have your Millennium Rod, see?" Bakura replied, waving it in the air.

"You bastard! Give it back!" Marik cried, lunging at Bakura.

* * *

and with him the king and queen, and the whole court. The old man had been told by his grandfather that many princes had sought to pass the thorn-hedge, but had been caught and pierced by the thorns, and had died a miserable death. Then said the young prince, Bakura,

* * *

"The young prince who now?" Bakura demanded, easily holding Marik off, as he tried unsuccessfully to regain control of the Millennium Rod.

* * *

"Nevertheless, I do not fear to try; I shall win through and see the lovely Marik." The good old man tried to dissuade him, but he would not listen to his words. For now the hundred years were at an end, and the day had come when Marik should be awakened. When prince Bakura drew near the hedge of thorns, it was changed into a hedge of beautiful large flowers, which parted and bent aside to let him pass, and then closed behind him in a thick hedge. When he reached the castle-yard, he saw the horses and brindled hunting-dogs lying asleep, and on the roof the pigeons were sitting with their heads under their wings. And when he came indoors, the flies on the wall were asleep, the cook in the kitchen had his hand uplifted to strike the scullion, and the kitchen-maid had the black fowl on her lap ready to pluck.

Then he mounted higher, and saw in the hall the whole court lying asleep, and above them, on their thrones, slept the king and the queen. And still he went farther, and all was so quiet that he could hear his own breathing; and at last he came to the tower, and went up the winding stair, and opened the door of the little room where Marik lay. And when he saw him looking so lovely in his sleep, he could not turn away his eyes; and presently he stooped and kissed him.

* * *

"Yuk! Why in the name of Ra would I want to kiss _Marik_?" Bakura asked disgustedly.

"Because I look lovely, apparently." Marik replied, still trying to reach his rod.

* * *

And he awaked, and opened his eyes, and looked very kindly on him. And he rose, and they went forth together, and the king and the queen and whole court woke up, and gazed on each other with great eyes of wonderment. And the horses in the yard got up and shook themselves, the hounds sprang up and wagged their tails, the pigeons on the roof drew their heads from under their wings, looked round, and flew into the field, the flies on the wall crept on a little farther, the kitchen fire leapt up and blazed, and cooked the meat, the joint on the spit began to roast, the cook gave the scullion such a box on the ear that he roared out, and the maid went on plucking the fowl.

Then the wedding of prince Bakura and prince Marik was held with all splendour, and they lived very happily together until their lives' end.

* * *

"Well that's all you know! I'm going to be a god, so my life won't end!" Bakura declared, momentarily distracted. Marik seized the opportunity and leapt at him, grabbing the Millennium Rod. Unfortunately, he also unbalanced Bakura, who started to fall. Noticing this, he grabbed Marik who then fell with him. They landed together on the floor, tangled together. About to rise, they both froze upon hearing a _click_, and seeing the flash of a camera. As one, the two turned to see Akefia standing in the doorway with a digital camera.

"Blackmail!" He announced before disappearing.


	9. The Princess and the Pea

**The Princess and the Pea**

**Commentary by Bakura and Marik**

Once upon a time there was a prince named Bakura

* * *

"Here we go again." Bakura grumbled.

* * *

who wanted to marry a princess; but she would have to be a real princess. He travelled all over the world to find one, but nowhere could he get what he wanted. There were princesses enough, but it was difficult to find out whether they were real ones. There was always something about them that was not as it should be. Princess Seto was too egotistic, princess Mokuba was too young, princess Yugi was far too short, and princess Mai's breasts were unrealistic.

* * *

"It strikes me as odd that only one of those princesses is actually female." Bakura mused.

"What's your point?" Marik asked him.

"It just seems odd, is all." Bakura replied.

* * *

So he came home again and was sad, for he would have liked very much to have a real princess.

One evening a terrible storm came on; there was thunder and lightning, and the rain poured down in torrents. Suddenly a knocking was heard at the city gate, and the old king Akefia went to open it.

* * *

"Akefia isn't old!" Marik protested. "Then again, he _does_ have white hair…" Bakura growled in response.

* * *

It was a princess standing out there in front of the gate. But, good gracious! what a sight the rain and the wind had made her look. The water ran down from her long, golden hair and clothes; it ran down into the tops of her shoes and out again at the toes. And yet she said that she was a real princess, named Marik.

* * *

"Argh! I am NOT a princess! I am not even female! Why am I persistently cast as such?!" Marik demanded angrily.

"Well, you know what they say; if the glove fits, then wear it." Bakura told him, smirking. Marik rounded on him.

"What was that, _Snow White_?"

"Rapunzel."

"Fluffy!"

"Little mermaid."

"Florence!"

"Goldilocks"

"…argh!! Why am I always the female!?" Marik cried.

"Like I said; the glove fits." Bakura replied.

* * *

"Well, we'll soon find that out," thought the old queen. But she said nothing, went into the bedroom, took all the bedding off the bedstead, and laid a pea on the bottom; then she took twenty mattresses and laid them on the pea, and then twenty eider-down beds on top of the mattresses.

On this princess Marik had to lie all night. In the morning she was asked how she had slept.

"Oh, very badly!" said she. "I have scarcely closed my eyes all night. Heaven only knows what was in the bed, but I was lying on something hard, so that I am black and blue all over my body. It's horrible!"

Now they knew that she was a real princess because she had felt the pea right through the twenty mattresses and the twenty eider-down beds. Nobody but a real princess could be as sensitive as that.

* * *

"I am not frigging sensitive! But what I am is leaving!" Marik stormed out of the room.

* * *

So the prince took her for his wife, for now he knew that he had a real princess; and the pea was put in the museum, where it may still be seen, if no one has stolen it.

* * *

"Guilty!" Bakura grinned, taking a small green pea out of his pocket.


	10. The Emperor's New Clothes

**The Emperor's New Clothes**

**Commentary by Bakura and Marik**

"Hey, Marik! You'll like this one! I stole the script beforehand; there aren't any women!" Bakura called.

"You'd better not be lying, Fluffy." Marik warned, walking into the room.

"Not this time." Bakura grinned at him. "You'll like your role in this story, I promise."

* * *

Over 5000 years ago lived a pharaoh, who thought so much of new clothes that he spent all his money in order to obtain them; his only ambition was to be always well dressed. He did not care for his soldiers, and the theatre did not amuse him; the only thing, in fact, he thought anything of was to drive out in his chariot and show off a new suit of clothes. He had a coat for every hour of the day; and as one would say of a king "He is in his cabinet," so one could say of him, "The pharaoh is in his dressing-room."

The great city where he resided was very gay;

* * *

"Just like the pharaoh." Bakura commented.

* * *

every day many strangers from all parts of the globe arrived. One day two swindlers named Bakura and Marik came to this city; they made people believe that they were weavers, and declared they could manufacture the finest cloth to be imagined. Their colours and patterns, they said, were not only exceptionally beautiful, but the clothes made of their material possessed the wonderful quality of being invisible to any man who was unfit for his office or unpardonably stupid.

* * *

"I like where this is going." Marik grinned.

"Told you you'd enjoy this story." Bakura replied.

* * *

"That must be wonderful cloth," thought the pharaoh. "If I were to be dressed in a suit made of this cloth I should be able to find out which men in my country were unfit for their places, and I could distinguish the clever from the stupid. I must have this cloth woven for me without delay." And he gave a large sum of money to Bakura and Marik, in advance, that they should set to work without any loss of time. They set up two looms, and pretended to be very hard at work, but they did nothing whatever on the looms. They asked for the finest silk and the most precious gold-cloth; all they got they did away with, and worked at the empty looms till late at night.

"I should very much like to know how they are getting on with the cloth," thought the pharaoh. But he felt rather uneasy when he remembered that he who was not fit for his office could not see it. Personally, he was of opinion that he had nothing to fear,

* * *

"Oh yes you do! You're not suited at all for the position of pharaoh!" Bakura said.

"Yes! It should be me instead!" Marik agreed.

"…sure, Marik. Whatever you say."

* * *

yet he thought it advisable to send somebody else first to see how matters stood. Everybody in the town knew what a remarkable quality the stuff possessed, and all were anxious to see how bad or stupid their neighbours were.

"I shall send my honest old minister, Shimon, to the weavers," thought the pharaoh. "He can judge best how the stuff looks, for he is intelligent, and nobody understands his office better than he."

* * *

"Who is Shimon?" Marik asked.

"Some old guy who stood next to the pharaoh all day…looks like the pharaoh's hikari's grandpa." Bakura replied.

* * *

Shimon went into the room where the swindlers sat before the empty looms. "Heaven preserve us!" he thought, and opened his eyes wide, "I cannot see anything at all," but he did not say so. Both Marik and Bakura requested him to come near, and asked him if he did not admire the exquisite pattern and the beautiful colours, pointing to the empty looms.

Shimon tried his very best, but he could see nothing, for there was nothing to be seen. "Oh dear," he thought, "can I be so stupid? I should never have thought so, and nobody must know it! Is it possible that I am not fit for my office? No, no, I cannot say that I was unable to see the cloth."

"Now, have you got nothing to say?" said Bakura, while he pretended to be busily weaving.

"Oh, it is very pretty, exceedingly beautiful," replied the old man.

"What a beautiful pattern, what brilliant colours! I shall tell the pharaoh that I like the cloth very much."

* * *

"Hah! This man is foolish!" Marik declared.

"Yes, always was, always will be." Bakura agreed.

* * *

"We are pleased to hear that," said the two weavers, and described to him the colours and explained the curious pattern. The old man listened attentively, that he might relate to the pharaoh what they said; and so he did.

Now the swindlers asked for more money, silk and gold-cloth, which they required for weaving. They kept everything for themselves, and not a thread came near the loom, but they continued, as hitherto, to work at the empty looms.

Soon afterwards the pharaoh sent another honest courtier, a man named Mahad, to the weavers to see how they were getting on, and if the cloth was nearly finished.

* * *

"You know, I made that guy turn into the Dark Magician." Bakura said.

"How on earth did you do that?" Marik demanded.

"Well, I killed him…actually, I'm not sure how it happened either. Basically, my Diabound killed his magician, and that somehow fused them together."

"…weird." Marik commented.

"It made sense in the original manga." Bakura replied. Marik gave him a strange look.

* * *

Like Shimon, he looked and looked but could see nothing, as there was nothing to be seen.

"Is it not a beautiful piece of cloth?" asked Marik and Bakura, showing and explaining the magnificent pattern, which, however, did not exist.

"I am not stupid," said Mahad. "It is therefore my good appointment for which I am not fit. It is very strange, but I must not let anyone know it;"

* * *

"Yes! You are not fit for the Millennium Ring! Give it to me.' The swindler named Bakura said. And Mahad handed it over to him. One by one, the other courtiers came. All were unable to see the non-existant cloth, so they all handed their items over to Bakura, who then used them to set Zorc free, and became all powerful!"

"…what was that about setting 'Zorc' free? Who is Zorc?" Marik asked Bakura, who was laughing manically.

"That's none of your business!" Bakura snapped at him.

* * *

and he praised the cloth, which he did not see, and expressed his joy at the beautiful colours and the fine pattern. "It is very excellent," he said to the emperor.

Everybody in the whole town talked about the precious cloth. At last the pharaoh wished to see it himself, while it was still on the loom. With a number of courtiers, including the two who had already been there, he went to the two clever swindlers, who now worked as hard as they could, but without using any thread.

"Is it not magnificent?" said the two men who had been there before. "Your Majesty must admire the colours and the pattern." And then they pointed to the empty looms, for they imagined the others could see the cloth.

"What is this?" thought the pharaoh, "I do not see anything at all. That is terrible! Am I stupid? Am I unfit to be pharaoh? That would indeed be the most dreadful thing that could happen to me."

* * *

"Yes on both accounts, binky-boy! So why don't you just hand over your crown and your puzzle, and then we can get my Yami to cut- I mean, hug you."

* * *

"Really," he said, turning to the weavers, "your cloth has our most gracious approval;" and nodding contentedly he looked at the empty loom, for he did not like to say that he saw nothing. All his attendants, who were with him, looked and looked, and although they could not see anything more than the others, they said, like the pharaoh, "It is very beautiful." And all advised him to wear the new magnificent clothes at a great procession which was soon to take place. "It is magnificent, beautiful, excellent," one heard them say; everybody seemed to be delighted, and the emperor appointed the two swindlers "Imperial Court weavers."

* * *

"Stuff that!" Marik said, "I want to be pharaoh!"

"And I want to be a god! And I was so close…stupid pharaoh and his refusal to kneel to me…"

* * *

The whole night previous to the day on which the procession was to take place, the swindlers pretended to work, and burned more than sixteen candles. People should see that they were busy to finish the pharaoh's new suit. They pretended to take the cloth from the loom, and worked about in the air with big scissors, and sewed with needles without thread, and said at last: "The pharaoh's new suit is ready now."

The pharaoh and all his courtiers then came to the hall; the swindlers held their arms up as if they held something in their hands and said:

"These are the trousers!"

"This is the coat!" and

"Here is the cloak!" and so on.

"They are all as light as a cobweb, and one must feel as if one had nothing at all upon the body; but that is just the beauty of them."

"Indeed!" said all the courtiers; but they could not see anything, for there was nothing to be seen.

"Does it please your Majesty now to graciously undress," said the swindlers, "that we may assist your Majesty in putting on the new suit before the large looking-glass?"

The pharaoh undressed, and the swindlers pretended to put the new suit upon him, one piece after another;

* * *

"Eew! We have to touch the pharaoh naked? No thank you!" Marik complained.

* * *

and the pharaoh looked at himself in the glass from every side.

"How well they look! How well they fit!" said all. "What a beautiful pattern! What fine colours! That is a magnificent suit of clothes!"

The master of the ceremonies announced that the bearers of the canopy, which was to be carried in the procession, were ready.

"I am ready," said the pharaoh. "Does not my suit fit me marvellously?" Then he turned once more to the looking-glass, that people should think he admired his garments.

The courtiers, who were to carry the train, stretched their hands to the ground as if they lifted up a train, and pretended to hold something in their hands; they did not like people to know that they could not see anything.

The pharaoh marched in the procession under the beautiful canopy, and all who saw him in the street and out of the windows exclaimed: "Indeed, the pharaoh's new suit is incomparable! What a long train he has! How well it fits him!" Nobody wished to let others know he saw nothing, for then he would have been unfit for his office or too stupid. Never where the pharaoh's clothes were more admired.

"But he has nothing on at all," said a little child at last.

"Good heavens! listen to the voice of an innocent child," said the father, and one whispered to the other what the child had said. "But he has nothing on at all," cried at last the whole people. That made a deep impression upon the pharaoh, for it seemed to him that they were right; but he thought to himself, "Now I must bear up to the end." And the courtiers walked with still greater dignity, as if they carried the train which did not exist.

* * *

"Foolish fools!" Marik declared. "Hey, Bakura. Steal the next script too!"

"I already have, Marik. And there's no way I'm doing this." Bakura replied, flipping through some sheets of paper.

"What? What's wrong with it?" Marik demanded.

"Like I'm telling you!" Bakura declared, and he brought a lighter out of his pocket. Flicking it open, he set fire to the sheets of paper. "There! Now it'll never happen!" He declared triumphantly.

"Um, Bakura? You do know all the files are stored on a computer, right?"


	11. Beauty and the Beast

**Beauty and the Beast**

**Commentary by Bakura and Marik

* * *

**

"Alright, listen up. If you read this story, I will hunt you down and kill you, understand? It will happen!"

"Bakura, stop being such a spoil-sport. I think this story is going to be great!"

"Well you would, wouldn't you?"

"Yes! It is payback time at last!"

* * *

Long ago there lived a merchant named Akefia. He lost all his wealth and became poor. He had five daughters, four of whom, Téa, Mai, Ishizu and Isis, were very selfish.

* * *

"…and yes, that's all the girls that are in yugioh. And two of them are the same person!" Bakura exclaimed angrily.

"What about my mother? She was female!" Marik reminded him.

"Are you sure about that?" Bakura asked.

"Well yes, otherwise I wouldn't have been born, would I? And you're just trying to make me angry so I'll fight with you, delaying the start of the story."

"Yes, and I'm surprised it didn't work. I guess you're not as stupid as I thought you were. … then again, that isn't hard. You really are an idiot sometimes, Marik."

"…it's not working, Bakura."

* * *

The youngest was called Bakura and she was sweet and lovely.

* * *

"Dammit! No I am not! If you're looking for 'sweet and lovely', go find my hikari. But not me! I am an evil spirit, for Ra's sake!"

"Not so fun being the girl, is it Fluffy?"

"Go drown yourself, Marik."

* * *

The four sisters were very lazy and complained most of the time. It was Bakura who did all the housework.

* * *

"No I didn't!"

"Denial isn't good for you, Bakura. You just have to accept that in this story, you're the sweet, pathetic little girl."

"Marik, I will cut you if you don't STOP TALKING."

* * *

There came a pleasant message for Akefia the merchant one day. The message said that one of his ships with all kinds of riches had come to port. The four sisters asked their father to leave immediately and get them all the clothes and jewels. Bakura wanted him to get just a rose. Kissing his daughters, the father left with high hopes.

* * *

"I don't just want a bloody rose! I want gold! And jewels! And not to be the bloody girl!" Bakura ranted.

* * *

After travelling for one and a half days, the merchant reached the port only to be told that pirates had sunk his ship.

* * *

"Hah! In your face, Akefia!" Bakura shouted.

"…Bakura, he's you." Marik reminded him.

* * *

Dejected, he started home with nothing to gift his daughters. As he was travelling, a terrible storm arose and he lost his way in the forest. Cold and hungry, he saw a huge castle, which looked like a home of very wealthy. Very tired, he went towards the castle.

Finding no one, the merchant went inside the castle. He was happy to see a long table set with a lovely meal. He found fruits, cakes, meats and a fine red wine. He also saw a fire blazing in the fireplace. After a hearty meal, the merchant felt sleepy. He got into the bedroom and fell asleep on a large and comfortable bed.

Akefia woke the next morning and walked into the castle garden. Amongst lovely flowers he spotted a beautiful rose bush. He was reminded of his daughter Bakura's wish.

* * *

"_Son_. _Son_, Bakura. And I don't want a bloody flower."

* * *

As he broke off a lovely rose to gift his daughter, he heard a terrifying noise. He looked up and found an ugly man with the face of a beast. The beast shouted

"Are you repaying for the food and shelter by taking a prize rose? You are very ungrateful."

"Forgive me. I shall repay in the best way I can," pleaded Akefia.

* * *

"You know, this is beginning to sound like Rapunzel." Marik commented. "Only, _I_ was a boy in that."

"Marik, be quiet!" Bakura snapped at him.

* * *

"Take the flower and go. But send one of your daughters to keep the house for me. If you fail to send, you shall die," warned the Beast.

* * *

"Guess who he'll send, binky-boy!"

"Marik, shut up!"

* * *

Akefia took the gift, thanked the Beast and left for his home on his horse. 'How will I tell my daughters about my business failure? And about my meeting with the Beast?' he was worried on his way home.

He loved his daughters very much and was not willing to send anyone to live in that castle. He thought he would definitely die. He reached home and told the story to his daughters. Bakura loved her father very much and offered to go.

* * *

"The hell? No I won't! And you can't make me, old man!"

"Bakura, it's just a story…and stop being such a girl."

"Marik, one of these days you'll wake up in the Shadow Realm, you know that?"

"Hah! You wouldn't send me there!"

* * *

Though initially Bakura was frightened of the Beast, she found him to be very kind. He arranged for Bakura a lovely room that overlooked the garden.

* * *

"Can I burn it?"

"No."

"Then I don't want to see the bloody garden." Bakura sulked.

* * *

He offered her lovely clothes and stayed out of her way so that Bakura would feel free. One day, in the garden, he expressed his love for her and his intentions of getting married to her. In a gentle tone, Bakura told him that he was very kind. Since her father needed her, she will not be able to marry her.

* * *

"In other words; piss off, before I stab you."

"Aren't you going to send him to the shadow realm?"

"No, just stab him. That'll give me more satisfaction."

* * *

One day, the Beast noticed that Bakura was acting very upset. When he asked her what was the matter, she replied,

"I miss my father and my sisters." The Beast did not want Bakura to be unhappy, so he gave her a magical necklace saying,

"If you wear this, you will be able to see your family."

* * *

"Yes! I have control of the Millennium Necklace!" Bakura shouted triumphantly.

"Yes,"Marik agreed with him, "in the story. But in real life, my sister still has it."

* * *

In her magic necklace, Bakura saw her father very ill and was desperate to get back home. A special ring that would help in going home and coming back safely was given to her, by the Beast.

"Do come back within a week. Or I shall die," the Beast said to Beauty.

* * *

"So what? Should she- I mean _he_- care? It's a good thing if the beast dies, right?" Bakura asked.

* * *

Happy on seeing Bakura, her father recovered fast. The sisters wanted her to stay back to do the housework. Two weeks passed. One night Bakura had a dream that the Beast died.

* * *

"A good dream, then." Bakura commented.

* * *

In tears, she hurriedly packed her things, kissed her father good-bye and was back at the castle with the help of the ring.

Not finding the Beast in the house, Bakura went to the garden. She found him lying on the grass, nearly dead. On seeing Bakura, he got up and told her he had starved himself, as he could not live without her.

* * *

"Anorexia: don't do it."

* * *

"You may be ugly, but you are kind and gentle. That is very important to me. You should not die. I love you and will marry you," said Bakura.

A miracle followed. The Beast changed into a handsome prince. Bakura could not believe her eyes. He kissed her and narrated how a wicked witch cast a spell over him, changing him into a Beast, until a beautiful young girl promised to marry him. He told Bakura that his name was Marik, and the beast he had been before was his Yami, his dark side.

* * *

"Come to the dark side, we have milk and cookies." Marik said.

"…what the hell?" Bakura asked him.

* * *

Prince Marik married Bakura and there was great joy in the land. Bakura pardoned her sisters and invited her father to come and live with them. The sisters became kind and gentle like Bakura and all live happily for the rest of their lives.

* * *

"Two things wrong with that; one, I'm not kind or gentle, and two, I'm going to bloody live forever. As a god." Bakura complained.

"At least the story's over." Marik reminded him.

"Yes, it is. But the next one's going to be awful."

"Why?" Marik asked him.

"I'm not bloody in it!"


	12. The Pied Piper of Hamelin

**The Pied Piper of Hamelin**

**Commentary by Bakura and Marik

* * *

**

Once upon a time there was a town called Hamelin. Hamelin was a prosperous town. It was a port town on the River Weser.

Barges full of corn and wheat would come down the River Weser and unload at Hamelin. There were silos full of corn and wheat in Hamelin.

With the silos full of corn and wheat came mills for grinding the corn and wheat, bakeries for baking bread and cakes, shops for selling the bread and cakes and of course people for eating. The people were so prosperous and busy loading and unloading, milling, baking and eating that they didn't notice all the litter and rubbish that was accumulating in the streets. And of course with the rubbish came the rats.

There were rats everywhere in Hamelin - rats in the corn silos, rats in the wheat silos, rats in the bakeries, rats in the shops, rats in the streets, and rats in the houses. The rats bred and grew and grew and bred and soon there were so many rats that life became quite miserable for the citizens of Hamelin. They couldn't bake a cake, take a bath, or sleep in their beds without the rats joining in to. The rats even nibbled on the ears of babies sleeping in their cots.

* * *

"Babies taste nice." Bakura commented casually. Marik stared at him in disbelief.

"What? I wouldn't eat a whole one!" Bakura told him.

"You've eaten a baby!"

"In my defence, I was _really_ hungry. And I didn't kill it." Marik was still staring at him. "Well, you try starving to death in the desert, and see what you'd do when you find a whole load of meat, waiting for you."

* * *

Something had to be done.

The people of Hamelin made their way to the Town Square and knocked on the big brass doors of the Town Hall and demanded to know what the pharaoh was doing about the rats. The pharaoh appeared on the balcony in his black robes and gold chains and made a speech.

* * *

"And yet again, the pharaoh sticks his nose into our story." Marik complained.

"So you're telling me you didn't like tricking him into parading around in absolutely nothing?" Bakura reminded him.

"No, that was fun. But remember in Rapunzel he was the king? And he was in Goldilocks and the Three Bears. And he killed you in Red Riding Hood!"

"True…well, I guess we'll just have to kill him. Such a shame."

* * *

"Good citizens of Hamelin you may rest assured that what needs to be done is being done. Don't you worry about that."

The good citizens of Hamelin weren't too sure about that but they went home to their houses to see what would be done.

* * *

"Oh please. Like all of them were 'good citizens'." Bakura interrupted.

"What do you mean?" Marik asked him.

"Well, this is a normal town, right?...besides from the rats, I mean."

"I guess so, yes."

"Then it's going to have its fair share of thieves, murderers etc."

"Oh please. You just want a cameo as a thief, Fluffy."

"So what if I do? And seriously Marik, I will hurt you the next time you call me that."

* * *

But nothing was done. There was just as much rubbish in the streets and just as many rats in the mills, the bakeries, the shops and the houses. In fact there were more rats. The rats kept growing and breeding and breeding and growing and eating and eating and eating.

They ate anything they could get their teeth on. Nothing or no one was safe from the rats.

The people were angry and marched to the Town Square and pounded on the big brass doors and to know exactly what the pharaoh was going to do. When no pharaoh appeared on the balcony. The people started to chant -

* * *

"Aw, poor pharaoh. His people hate him. Now if only that had been the case 5000 years ago. They were obsessed with that idiot."

* * *

"No rats!" "No rats!" "No rats!" "No rats!"

Finally the pharaoh appeared on the balcony in his blue cloak and gold jewellery and announced somewhat nervously that he had a definite plan of action.

"Good citizens of Hamelin you will pleased to know that I, the pharaoh, have given orders that a large hole in the ground will be dug on the outskirts of Hamelin and into that hole will be swept all of the rubbish in the streets and all of the rats that can be found and killed. Soon Hamelin will be clean and clear of rats."

Soon the large hole in the ground was full of stinking rubbish and the bodies of dead rats and hurriedly covered over with dirt. But it was not enough; there were too many rats in too many hiding places all over the town and too much food for them in the silos and bakeries and shops and houses and they grew and bred and bred and grew just as fast as before. And now with the rats came a plague of fleas. And with the fleas came a strange sickness. Some children and old people had already died. A plague was on Hamelin!

* * *

"Yay! I mean, what a shame." Marik corrected himself.

"No, I think your previous statement was correct." Bakura told him.

* * *

As you can imagine the people of Hamelin were even angrier. They marched once more to the town square. Each of them carried with them a dozen dead rats as proof of the failure of the pharaoh's plan. They threw the rats in a pile in the middle of the square and from a pole they hung an effigy that looked remarkably like the pharaoh in his blue cloak and his gold jewellery.

* * *

"Great! Now burn it! Burn it!"

"…Marik, what will that accomplish, exactly?" Bakura asked him.

"Well, it would be fun to watch."

* * *

They started chanting -

"No rats or no pharaoh! No rats or no pharaoh! No rats or no pharaoh!"

* * *

"Look, you people aren't aiming high enough. It should be 'no rats and no pharaoh! No rats and no pharaoh!' That's a much better target." Bakura said.

* * *

When the pharaoh did come out on his balcony he was surrounded by his councillors and he announced rather nervously that the council had, in view of the rather desperate situation, agreed to offer a magnificent reward of one thousand gold coins to any person who could rid the town of the rats.

The very next day a stranger appeared in Hamelin. He was different to everyone else. His top was short and lilac, his skin was golden brown, and he wore almost as much jewellery as the pharaoh. He held a short golden rod, ending in a dome upon which there was an eye.

* * *

"Time for your cameo, Marik." Bakura told him.

"Curses! Why do I have to be the strange person?"

"Because you're strange."

* * *

The stranger followed the carts up from the port and he saw the silos full of corn and the silos full of wheat and the mills and bakeries and shops and houses and people and rubbish and the rats.

He walked quietly to the Town Square and knocked on the big brass doors of the Town Hall. He told the pharaoh and his councillors that for a thousand gold coins he could rid Hamelin of the rats that infested it. The pharaoh enthusiastically agreed and the man stepped outside.

He stood in the Square and looked quietly around. He took a deep breath and reached out with his mind through the staff, telling the rats of far off places, of woods and forests and rocks and mountains. He did it again, this time thinking of foxes and wolves and hawks and eagles. He thought a third time and all of the rats in Hamelin started to scurry towards him.

* * *

"Marik? Thinking? Something is obviously not right here." Bakura said. Marik glared at him.

"What do you mean by that, Bakura?" He asked.

"Well, I thought it was fairly obvious. Then again, it is you…"

"I am intelligent!" Marik declared angrily.

"Could have fooled me."

"Yes I could! Because you are a foolish fool!"

"Marik," Bakura asked in an almost sweet voice, "would you like to go to the shadow realm?"

* * *

They scurried out of doors, out of windows, out of drains and out of holes. They scurried down the lanes and streets towards the square. Now the man walked out of the square and the rats followed along behind. They moved out of the town and towards the port. At the river side he stopped and he placed just one toe in the water and the rats continued across the wharves and into the river. Rats by their thousands ran out of the town, across the wharves and splashed into the river where they were drowned.

The man stood quietly looking at the water for a while and then turned and walked back to the Town Square. The good people of Hamelin were celebrating the victory against the rats.

* * *

"Again with 'good people'! I demand wicked people!" Bakura declared.

"This is a fairy tale, fluffy. There are no wicked people!" Marik told him.

"Then it's as boring as sh*t…I just got beeped! Who bl**dy beeped me?" Marik looked innocently at him.

"D*mn it, you've been playing with the profanity filter, haven't you?" Bakura demanded. Marik just grinned at him.

"F*ck."

* * *

At last they were free of the pestilence. The pharaoh and all of his councillors were up on their balcony slapping each other on the back and making speeches. The man waited for a quiet space and asked for his one thousand gold coins.

The pharaoh called out so everyone could hear, "A thousand gold coins? How could you have possibly earned a thousand coins? Why, everyone saw how, while the rats were drowning themselves in the river, all you did was stand there and hold that silly little rod of yours. Here be satisfied with forty coins and think yourself lucky at that."

To the shame of the people of Hamelin they agreed with their pharaoh and laughed at the man as he walked quietly out of the town.

* * *

"F*ckers." Marik said angrily.

"Marik, you know you wouldn't really have gotten that money, right? Besides, why would you want money when you could just steal something? And get rid of the bl**dy profanity filter already!"

* * *

The next day was a religious feast and all of the adults were in the church as he walked back into the town. He stood quietly for a while in the Town Square and they took a breath and held up his rod, speaking to the children of the town of faraway places, clean air and sparking rivers. He spoke of fun and games and whales and dolphins and bright coloured parrots. All of the children started to run and jump and skip out of the houses towards the Town Square. As they ran and jumped and skipped towards him the man turned out of the square and moved towards the port.

* * *

"Aha! I shall steal your children! Yes! Truly, I am diabolical!" Marik shouted triumphantly.

"Marik why do you want children?" Bakura asked him.

"I don't. And that's not the point! The point is that they cannot have the children!" Bakura grinned at him.

"Finally, you get what stealing is all about."

* * *

The adults in the church heard all of the children go past and they rushed out of the church to see what was happening. They called out to the children to stop and to come back but it was like they could no longer hear their parents' voices.

* * *

"Wait, why weren't the children in church with their parents?" Marik demanded. "On religious days me, Odeon and Ishizu always had to worship too!"

"Well Marik, that's because your dad was a f*ck. And turn off the s*dding profanity filter already!...wait, did it just bleep s*dding? But s*d isn't a swearword!"

* * *

The parents were relieved when they saw the children and their kidnapper turn away from the river and go towards the mountain. Their relief turned to horror though when a small door appeared in the side of the mountain and first the man and then the children started to run and jump and skip inside.

* * *

"What? How did I open a door in the mountain? My Rod can't do that!"

"It's a fairy tale, Marik. They make stuff up."

* * *

The parents ran up to stop them but it was too late. All of the children bar one boy who was hopping along on crutches and couldn't keep up disappeared inside the mountain and the small door slammed shut so tightly that no one could tell exactly where it had been.

The people raced up with shovels and picks and started furiously digging holes in the mountain side but it was all to no avail.

In time the people got over their shock and life started to go on again. Barges full of corn came down the River Weser and unloaded at Hamelin. Soon there were silos full of corn once again in Hamelin.

* * *

"Yes, never mind that the children of the whole town have been stolen by a girly Egyptian."

"I am not girly!" Marik objected. Bakura raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, Marik. You are."

"Well…so is your mother!"

"My mother has been dead for over 5000 years. Also, she was FEMALE. Idiot."

* * *

Barges full of wheat came up the River Weser and unloaded at Hamelin. There were silos full of wheat once again in Hamelin but they never forgot the Pied Piper and they always paid their debts in full and on time.


	13. Puss in Boots

**Puss in Boots**

**Commentary by Marik and Bakura

* * *

**

There was once a miller who had three sons, named Odeon, Ishizu and Marik,

* * *

"Yes! I am male at last!" Marik shouted triumphantly.

"You do realise that sounds like you've just had a sex change, right?" Bakura asked him.

"What! I have had no change of sex! I am male, and always have been!"

"Then again, that would explain a lot." Bakura said, ignoring Marik. "The jewellery, the makeup…the generally girly appearance."

"I was not a female! Nor am I one now!"

"Whatever you say, Marik."

* * *

and when he died his estate was divided among them. The older sons fared very well, but the youngest received nothing but the cat, Bakura,

* * *

"I'm not a kitty!"

"Hah! That is very amusing. You are my cat, fluffy!"

"Marik, I warned you what would happen if you called me that again." Bakura took out a knife, and advanced upon Marik.

* * *

and he often complained bitterly of his lot.

"My brothers may get their living easily enough," he said, "but as for me, I may soon die of hunger and want."

The cat, Bakura, who had heard this, came out of the closet where he had been listening.

* * *

"Hear that, Bakura? You came out of the closet. You should do it in real life." Marik called to Bakura, as he ran around the room, closely followed by Bakura and his knife.

* * *

"Do not worry, my good master," he said. "You have only to give me a bag and have a pair of boots made for me, and you shall see that your portion is not so bad as you imagine it to be."

The cat's master obtained both bag and boots, and watched the cat pull on the boots and throw the bag over his shoulder. Then 'Kura in Boots sallied forth.

* * *

"I am not a bl**dy cat! Marik, turn the g*dd*mn f*cking filter off!"

"Not likely! You just want me to stay still so you can cut me!"

"Marik, I'm not going to cut you."

"Then why are you chasing me with a knife!"

"Because I'm going to stab you."

* * *

He went to a warren in which there were a great number of rabbits. He put some bran and some parsley into his bag, and then waited for some innocent rabbit to feast on the dainties. Soon two young rabbits jumped into his bag and 'Kura in Boots drew the strings and caught them.

'Kura in Boots was very proud of his prey, and hurried with it to the palace and asked to speak to the king, Akefia.

* * *

"Why is he always the bl**dy king? When is it going to be my turn?" Bakura demanded.

"When you stop chasing me?" Marik suggested.

"Fine, whatever. It was getting boring anyway."

* * *

Bowing low, 'Kura said, "Sire, I have brought for you rabbits from the warren of my noble lord, the Marquis of Carabas (the title 'Kura gave to his master),

* * *

"My what? I don't have a bl**dy master!" Bakura declared.

"Yes you do! It is me, Marik Sebastian Ishtar the third!"

"Marik, do you want to be chased around the room again?"

* * *

which he commanded me to present to your majesty with his compliments."

King Akefia was much pleased and said, "Tell your lord Marquis of Carabas that I accept his present with pleasure."

In this manner the cat continued to carry presents of game to the king at least once a week for two or three months.

* * *

"I am not a cat!"

"Are you going to say that every time the word cat is mentioned?"

"It's possible."

* * *

Then one day 'Kura in Boots said to his master, "If you will only follow my advice, your fortune is made. Go to the river and bathe just where I show you."

* * *

"But Marik can't have a bath! His girly eyeliner might run." Bakura mocked Marik.

"Do not diss the eyeliner!" Marik objected.

* * *

Marik did exactly as his cat, Bakura, advised, and while he was bathing King Akefia passed by, riding in his coach with his daughter Ryou, the loveliest princess in the world.

* * *

"Hah! Now your hikari is a female. That makes much more sense than me being female!"

"And what exactly do you mean by that?"

"He looks like a girl! He is all weak and girlish!"

"And you're not?"

* * *

Then 'Kura in Boots began to cry out, "Help! Help! My lord Marquis of Carabas is going to be drowned!"

Hearing the cries, the king ordered his attendants to go to the rescue of my lord Marquis of Carabas.

While the servants were drawing the young man from the river,

* * *

"See? I am a young _man_. Man!"

"Yes, in the story. In the same story that your _sister_ is male."

"I am not my sister! I am me! And me is male!"

"Marik, I may be over 5000 years old, but even _I_ can tell that wasn't a proper sentence."

* * *

'Kura in Boots came up to the coach and told the king that thieves had run off with his master's clothes,

* * *

"Thieves like Akefia, you mean?" Bakura asked.

* * *

though in reality he himself had hidden them under a stone.

After Marik had been dressed, the king was much impressed with him, and asked him to ride in the royal coach; and it was not at all strange that the king's daughter at once fell deeply in love with him.

* * *

"Hahahahaha! Marik and Ryou, sitting in a tree…" Bakura sang.

"Silence! I shall have you neutered!" Marik interrupted.

"Oh, you did _not_ just say that." Bakura threatened him.

* * *

Quite overjoyed, 'Kura in Boots marched before the coach, giving orders to the workmen he met along the way.

* * *

"That sounds more like me." Bakura agreed.

* * *

Presently as the king came by, he saw some mowers working in a meadow, and asked them to whom the meadow belonged.

To my lord Marquis of Carabas!" the mowers answered, as the cat had instructed them.

"A very fine piece of land you have there, my lord marquis," said the king.

"You speak the truth, sire," Marik replied, "for it never fails to bring me a most bountiful harvest."

* * *

"Who says 'bountiful'? Marik asked.

"You, apparently."

* * *

Soon the coach passed another field where labourers were working industriously. When the king asked to whom the field belonged, they answered, "To my lord Marquis of Carabas!"

The king once more complimented the marquis upon his rich possessions.

* * *

"Yes! I am rich, and you are a cat!"

"Marik, I am NOT a bl**dy cat. And d*mn the bl**dy profanity filter! Turn the bl**dy f*cking thing off!"

* * *

At last 'Kura in Boots arrived at a stately castle. It belonged to an ogre named Kaiba, the richest ever known,

* * *

"Finally, someone got cast right!" Bakura said.

"What do you mean, Bakura? The only person who has not been cast right is Ishizu; she should be my sister, not my brother. I am an attractive male, the Thief King is a king, Ryou is a girl, Kaiba is rich, and you are a cat."

"Marik…" Marik did not hear the warning tone in Bakura's voice.

"Yes, fluffy?"

"Right! That's bl**dy it! I am not a bl**dy f*cking cat, and if you call me 'fluffy' again, so help me Marik I will kill you in your sleep. Got it?" Marik nodded meekly.

* * *

and all the lands through which the king had passed that morning belonged to him.

Kaiba received 'Kura as civilly as an ogre could do and asked him to sit down.

"I have been told," began 'Kura in Boots, "that you are able to change yourself into any kind of creature that you have a mind to. You can, for example, transform yourself into a lion, an elephant, or the like."

"That is true," answered Kaiba very briskly; "and to convince you, I shall now become a lion."

The cat was so terrified at the sight of a lion so near him that he leaped onto the roof,

* * *

"I AM NOT A CAT! AND I AM _NOT_ AFRAID OF BL**DY SETO KAIBA! WHEN I AM A GOD, I WILL DESTROY YOU! ALL OF YOU!"

"…Bakura, who are you talking to?"

"THEM!" Bakura pointed, but Marik couldn't see anything.

"I can't see anyone, Bakura." Marik said, trying to calm Bakura down. He put his hands on Bakura's shoulders, and tried to lead him back to his chair.

"Of course you can't see them, you fool! But they're there… they're always there… bl**dy fourth wall…"

* * *

which caused him even more difficulty, because his boots were of no use at all to him in walking on the tiles. However, the ogre resumed his natural form, and the cat came down, saying that he had been very frightened indeed.

"I have further been told," said the cat, "that you can also transform yourself into the smallest of animals, for example, a rat or a mouse. But I can scarcely believe that. I must admit to you that I think that that would be quite impossible."

"Impossible!" cried the ogre. "You shall see!", and in an instant he became a mouse and began to scamper about the floor.

No sooner had 'Kura seen the Ogre in the form of a mouse than he sprang upon him, eating him in an instant.

* * *

"Serves him right for being such a rich jerk. He was even worse originally."

"Originally? What do you mean?"

"You'll see when we get to that story arc."

* * *

In the meantime King Akefia's coach approached Kaiba's castle. The king desired to visit it, and ordered the attendants to drive up to the gates. Hearing the wheels on the drawbridge, 'Kura in Boots hastened out.

"Your majesty is indeed welcome to the castle of my lord Marquis of Carabas!" he said.

"And is this splendid castle also yours, my lord Marquis of Carabas?" inquired the king. "Let us go in, if you please."

The marquis gave his hand to Princess Ryou, and they followed the king into the castle. In the spacious hall they found a splendid feast which had been prepared by Kaiba for some of his friends.

* * *

"Kaiba has friends?" Marik inquired.

"News to me." Bakura answered.

* * *

The king was so charmed with the good qualities of my lord Marquis of Carabas that when he had partaken of the banquet he said:

"It will be your own fault if you do not soon become my son-in-law, my dear lord Marquis of Carabas!"

* * *

"I say again; 'Marik and Ryou sitting in a tree, K.I.S.S.I.N.G!"

"Wait, what does that spell?"

"Wow Marik, you really are dumb, aren't you?"

"Hey! You never went to school either!"

"And yet I can spell, and you can't."

* * *

So after a short courtship the princess became the bride of the marquis and they lived happily ever after.

'Kura in Boots was made a great lord

* * *

"Because everyone knows cats can be given lordships."

"So you admit that you are a cat!"

"No, I just… you know what? Never mind. Yes Marik, I am a cat."

"Yes! Excellent! I win!"

"And now you must worship me."

"Wait, what?"

"Egyptians worship cats, dumbass. Now fetch me some food."

* * *

and wore the most beautiful clothes, and never again ran after mice, except for entertainment.

* * *

"That's right little mice. Run! Run for your lives! Buahahahahahaha!"


	14. The Frog Prince

**The Frog Prince**

**Commentary by Bakura and Marik

* * *

**

One fine evening a young princess named Ryou

* * *

"…and once again, Ryou is a girl."

"Hey, at least it isn't you, Bakura."

"That's true enough, I suppose."

* * *

put on her bonnet and clogs, and went out to take a walk by herself in a wood; and when she came to a cool spring of water with a rose in the middle of it, she sat herself down to rest a while. Now she had a golden ball in her hand, which had on it a golden eye. It was her favourite plaything and she was always tossing it up into the air, and catching it again as it fell.

* * *

"What? That's mine!" Bakura protested.

"Actually Bakura, I think you'll find it's Pegasus'." Marik reminded him.

"Well, it should be mine anyway."

* * *

After a time she threw it up so high that she missed catching it as it fell; and the ball bounced away, and rolled along on the ground, until at last it fell down into the spring. The princess looked into the spring after her ball, but it was very deep, so deep that she could not see the bottom of it. She began to cry,

* * *

"Little baby. What's he crying for?" Bakura growled

"He's dropped the Millennium Eye into a spring, and you're angry because he's crying?" Marik asked curiously.

"Well, it isn't as if that's the actual Millennium Eye, is it? It's just a ball that happens to look like it. Just like in Aladdin: they weren't the real Millennium Items either." Bakura explained.

"Well, that's not really Ryou." Marik reminded him.

"I don't care."

* * *

and said, "Oh, if I could only get my ball again, I would give all my fine clothes and jewels, and everything that I have in the world."

While she was speaking, a frog put its head out of the water, and said, "Girl, why do you weep so bitterly?"

* * *

"I wonder who the frog will be?" Marik mused.

"I bet it's your Yami." Bakura replied.

"Why the frig would it be him?"

* * *

"Alas!" she said, "what can you do for me, you nasty, pointy headed frog? My golden ball has fallen into the spring."

The frog, who did indeed have a pointy head, and a curious marking on its forehead much like an eye,

* * *

"Told you."

* * *

said, "I do not want your pearls, and jewels, and fine clothes; but if you will love me, and let me live with you and eat from off your golden plate, and sleep on your bed, I will bring you your ball again."

"What nonsense this silly frog is talking!" thought princess Ryou, "He can never even get out of the spring to visit me, though he may be able to get my ball for me, and therefore I will tell him he shall have what he asks."

So she said to the frog, "Well, if you will bring me my ball, I will do all you ask."

* * *

"Hmm, I didn't think Ryou had it in him to be so sneaky."

"Then you were wrong, binky boy!"

"…Marik, shut up."

* * *

Then the frog put his head down, and dived deep under the water; and after a little while he came up again, with the ball in his mouth, and threw it on the edge of the spring.

As soon as the young princess saw her ball, she ran to pick it up; and she was so overjoyed to have it in her hand again, that she never thought of the frog, but ran home with it as fast as she could.

The frog called after her, "Stay, princess, and take me with you as you said,"

But she did not stop to hear a word.

The next day, just as the princess had sat down to dinner, she heard a strange noise - tap, tap - plash, plash - as if something was coming up the marble staircase, and soon afterwards there was a gentle knock at the door, and a little voice cried out and said:

"Open the door, my princess dear,  
Open the door to thy true love here!  
And mind the words that thou and I said  
By the fountain cool, in the greenwood shade."

* * *

"Oh yes, because that sounds so much like Yami Marik." Bakura said sarcastically.

* * *

Then the princess ran to the door and opened it, and there she saw the frog, whom she had quite forgotten. At this sight she was frightened, and shutting the door as fast as she could came back to her seat.

* * *

"You'd think he asked her for a hug or something." Bakura commented.

"I still think you should have hugged him."

"I'm not bloody hugging him!" Bakura shouted, then paused. "I can swear again! Yes! Take that, fucking 4Kids!"

* * *

The king, her father, seeing that something had frightened her, asked her what the matter was.

"There is a nasty frog at the door" she explained, "that lifted my ball for me out of the spring this morning. I told him that he should live with me here, thinking that he could never get out of the spring; but there he is at the door, and he wants to come in."

While she was speaking the frog knocked again at the door, and said:

"Open the door, my princess dear,  
Open the door to thy true love here!  
And mind the words that thou and I said  
By the fountain cool, in the greenwood shade."

* * *

"Again, that isn't Yami Marik. What he _should_ be doing is asking her for a hug, if they want him to stay in character."

* * *

Then the king said to the young princess, "As you have given your word you must keep it; so go and let him in."

She did so, and the frog hopped into the room, and then straight on - tap, tap - plash, plash - from the bottom of the room to the top, till he came up close to the table where the princess sat.

"Pray lift me upon chair," he said to the princess, "and let me sit next to you."

As soon as she had done this, the frog said, "Put your plate nearer to me, so that I may eat out of it."

This she did, and when he had eaten as much as he could, he said,

"Now I am tired; carry me upstairs, and put me into your bed."

* * *

"I never knew Yami Marik was such a keen supporter of deathshipping." Bakura said.

"Wait, what? What in the name of Osiris is deathshipping?" Marik asked.

"Never mind, it isn't that important. All shippings are stupid anyway. Especially thiefshipping."

"And what is that exactly, Bakura?"

"…trust me Marik, you DON'T want to know."

* * *

And the princess, though very unwilling, took him up in her hand, and put him upon the pillow of her own bed, where he slept all night long.

As soon as it was light the frog jumped up, hopped downstairs, and went out of the house.

"Now, then," thought the princess, "at last he is gone, and I shall be troubled with him no more."

* * *

"Oh please. Yami Marik leave without killing anyone? Or at the very least challenging them to a children's card game."

* * *

But she was mistaken; for when night came again she heard the same tapping at the door; and the frog came once more, and said:

"Open the door, my princess dear,  
Open the door to thy true love here!  
And mind the words that thou and I said  
By the fountain cool, in the greenwood shade."

And when the princess opened the door the frog came in, and slept upon her pillow as before, till the morning broke. And the third night he did the same.

* * *

"This is getting tiresome. Does it have to be so repetitive?" Bakura complained.

* * *

But when the princess awoke on the following morning she was astonished to see, instead of the frog, a handsome prince, gazing on her with the most beautiful, violet eyes she had ever seen and standing at the head of her bed.

He told her that his name was Marik,

* * *

"So Ryou finds my eyes beautiful? Haha! Excellent!" Marik exclaimed triumphantly. Bakura rolled his eyes.

"Idiot, of course your-" he began to reply, but broke off.

* * *

and he had been enchanted by a spiteful fairy, who had changed him into a frog; and that he had been fated so to abide 'til some princess should take him out of the spring, and let him eat from her plate, and sleep upon her bed for three nights.

"You," said prince Marik, "have broken her cruel charm, and now I have nothing to wish for but that you should go with me into my father's kingdom, where I will marry you, and love you as long as you live."

* * *

"_What!_" Bakura shouted.

"What's the matter, Bakura? Sure, I don't particularly want to go marry Ryou, but it's not as if it's real."

"That's not the point." Bakura sulked.

"Then what is? Don't tell me _you_ want to marry Ryou." Marik teased him. Bakura sneered.

"Don't be a bloody idiot."

"Then what's the matter? Out with it, Bakura!"

"Shut up, Marik."

* * *

The young princess, you may be sure, was not long in saying 'Yes' to all this; and as they spoke a brightly coloured coach drove up, with eight beautiful horses, decked with plumes of feathers and a golden harness;

* * *

"How very convenient." Bakura scorned.

"It's just a fairy tale, Bakura. You're not meant to take it seriously or anything."

"Whatever."

* * *

and behind the coach rode the prince's servant, faithful Odeon, who had bewailed the misfortunes of his dear master during his enchantment so long and so bitterly, that his heart had well-nigh burst.

* * *

"Bakura!" Marik shouted.

"What?" he snapped

"I've worked out why you objected to my marrying Ryou in the story."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You went _'what!'_ when you heard that in the story I asked Ryou to marry me."

"Well, I'd just worked out I wasn't going to be in the bloody story." Marik looked at him doubtfully, but didn't comment.

* * *

They then took leave of the king, and got into the coach with eight horses, and all set out, full of joy and merriment, for the prince's kingdom, which they reached safely; and there they lived happily a great many years.


	15. Three Billy Goats Gruff

**The Three Billy Goats Gruff**

**Commentary by Bakura and Marik  
**

Once upon a time there were three billy goats, who were to go up to the hillside to eat the fresh grass, and the name of all three was "Bakura."

* * *

"What. The. Hell. I am _not_ a bloody goat!"

"Well, I don't know, Bakura… that hair of yours… those bits _could_ be horns." Marik told him, pointing at Bakura's bangs. Bakura snarled, and slapped his hand away.

* * *

On the way up was a bridge over a cascading stream they had to cross; and under the bridge lived a great ugly troll, with three eyes as big as saucers, and incredibly long, spiky hair.

* * *

"Why the frig is my frigging Yami always the frigging villain!" Marik demanded.

"He isn't. In Rapunzel it was your sister, in Snow White and Aladdin it was Pegasus, in Little Red Riding Hood _we_ were the villains…you get my point?" Bakura replied.

* * *

So first of all came the youngest, Ryou Bakura, to cross the bridge.

"Trip, trap! Trip, trap!" went the bridge.

* * *

"Wait, what? The bridge was talking? How the frig does that work!" Marik demanded. Bakura sighed.

"Marik, it means the bridge made the _sound_ 'trip trap'…not that it _said_ it."

* * *

"Who's that tripping over my bridge?" roared the troll.

"Oh, it is only I, the tiny Ryou Bakura, and I'm going up to the hillside to eat the fresh grass," said goat, with a small voice.

"Now, I'm coming to gobble you up," said the troll.

* * *

"Now I'm coming to _hug_ you. Get it right!" Bakura exclaimed.

* * *

"Oh, no! pray don't take me. I'm too little, that I am," said Ryou Bakura the goat. "Wait a bit till the second Bakura comes. He's much bigger."

* * *

"Well I like that! After all I've done for him, and he wants me to get eaten!" Bakura complained.

"What exactly have you done for Ryou?" Marik asked him. "Because I can't think of anything."

"…Shut up, Marik."

* * *

"Well, be off with you," said the spiky-haired troll.

A little while after came the second Bakura to cross the bridge.

"TRIP, TRAP! TRIP, TRAP! TRIP, TRAP!" went the bridge.

* * *

"Hey, Bakura?"

"Yes, Marik, what is it now?" Bakura sighed.

"All the characters in the story have already been introduced, haven't they?"

"Yeah, so?"

"I'm not frigging in the story!"

"…your point being what, exactly? I wasn't in the last one, if you remember." Bakura reminded him.

"That's true…and I guess it'd be weird if I _was_ in the story, I mean, I'd either be your _brother_, or trying to eat you!"

"Oh, so you have a problem with being my brother, do you?"

"Well, it'd be rather strange, wouldn't it?"

"And you don't want to eat me?"

"No, of course not!"

"Don't you think I'd taste nice...?" Bakura teased him. Marik blushed, and turned away.

* * *

"Who's that tripping over my bridge?" roared the troll.

"Oh, it's the second billy goat Bakura, and I'm going up to the hillside to eat the fresh grass," said Yami Bakura, who hadn't such a small voice.

"Now I'm coming to gobble you up," said the three-eyed troll.

"Oh, no! Don't take me. Wait a little until the big billy goat Bakura comes. He's much larger than I."

* * *

"Akefia isn't _that_ much bigger than I am! And anyway, he is me! How can he be bigger than me – or my brother?" Bakura complained.

"Well, your host is your brother in the story too, remember, Bakura? They just had to pick three people with the same name."

"Then why not you and your siblings? Or you, Odeon and your Yami, if it has to be all males."

* * *

"Very well! Be off with you," said the troll.

But just then up came the big Billy Goat Gruff.

"**TRIP, TRAP! TRIP, TRAP! TRIP, TRAP!**" went the bridge, for the billy goat was so heavy that the bridge creaked and groaned under him.

* * *

"Oh please. I was never that fat. I mean, I was a tomb thief! Do you really think I'd be any good at that at all if I was fat? Of course not. And would they really draw me without a top on if I was fat? I think not."

"Wait, what was that about 'drawing you'?" Marik asked, confused.

"It isn't important."

* * *

"Who's that tramping over my bridge?" roared the troll.

"It's I! Akefia Bakura," said the billy goat, who had a big deep voice of his own.

"Now I 'm coming to gobble you up," roared the troll.

"Well, come along! I've got two spears, and I'll poke your eyeballs out at your ears; I've got besides two curling-stones, and I'll crush you to bits, body and bones."

* * *

"That was very poetic." Marik commented.

"Yes, and slightly gory." Bakura agreed. "I wish the other fairy tales had more like that."

* * *

That was what Akefia Bakura said. And then he flew at the troll, and poked his three eyes out with his horns, and crushed him to bits, body and bones, and tossed him out into the river, and after that he went up to the hillside. There the Billy Goats Bakura played all day and ate up all the fresh green grass.

* * *

"The end, and about bloody time, too."


	16. Cinderella

**Cinderella**

**Commentary by Bakura and Marik

* * *

**

There was once a rich man named Hank Ishtar whose wife lay sick, and when she felt her end drawing near she called to her only child, her daughter Marik,

* * *

"Wait, _what?_ I was a BABY when my mother died, and I wasn't her only child! She had Ishizu!"

"What about Odeon?" Bakura asked.

"He was adopted, he doesn't count."

* * *

to come near her bed, and said, "Dear child, be pious and good, and the gods will always take care of you, and I will look down upon you from the afterlife, and will be with you." And then she closed her eyes and expired.

* * *

"She expired. She _expired?_ She frigging _died_, you idiot! She wasn't some grocery or something, she was a human!"

"Zorc, Marik, why do you care so much?"

"Because that's my frigging mother they're talking about!"

"Not your real one."

"…Shut up."

* * *

The maiden went every day to her mother's grave and wept, and was always pious and good.

* * *

"Gah."

* * *

When the winter came the snow covered the grave with a white covering, and when the sun came in the early spring and melted it away, the man took to himself another wife.

The new wife brought two daughters, named Ishizu and Odeon,

* * *

"Odeon's a _girl!_"

* * *

home with her, and they were beautiful and fair in appearance, but at heart were black and ugly. And then began very evil times for the poor step-daughter. "Is the stupid creature to sit in the same room with us?" said they; "those who eat food must earn it. Out upon her for a kitchen-maid!" They took away her pretty dresses, and put on her an old grey kirtle, and gave her wooden shoes to wear.

* * *

"Not my clothes!" Marik protested. Bakura rolled his eyes.

"Honestly, and you wonder why you're nearly constantly cast as the girl."

"Silence!"

"No."

"…Why not?"

"Well…where would be the fun in that?"

"…Shut up."

* * *

"Just look now at the proud princess, how she is decked out!" cried they laughing, and then they sent her into the kitchen. There she was obliged to do heavy work from morning to night, get up early in the morning, draw water, make the fires, cook, and wash. Besides that, the sisters did their utmost to torment her, mocking her, and strewing peas and lentils among the ashes, and setting her to pick them up. In the evenings, when she was quite tired out with her hard day's work, she had no bed to lie on, but was obliged to rest on the hearth among the cinders. And as she always looked dusty and dirty, they named her Cinderella.

* * *

"What the fuck? No-one calls me something like that and gets away with it!" Marik growled.

"Oh? And what, pray tell, are you going to do to them?" Bakura sneered at him

"…I don't know, something vaguely evil."

"Riiiiight…"

* * *

It happened one day that the father went to the fair, and he asked his two step-daughters what he should bring back for them. "Fine clothes!" said one. "Pearls and jewels!" said the other.

"But what will you have, Cinderella?" said he.

"The first twig, Father, that strikes against your hat on the way home; that is what I should like you to bring me."

* * *

"What! I want more than some stupid twig! I mean, come on… a twig?"

"Oh calm down, Marik, will you? It's not real."

"I didn't hear you saying that when you were cast as Puss in Boots!"

"No, well… I've noticed you've stopped worshiping me, so I assumed that was behind us."

* * *

So he bought for the two step-daughters fine clothes, pearls, and jewels, and on his way back, as he rode through a green lane, a hazel-twig struck against his hat; and he broke it off and carried it home with him. And when he reached home he gave to the step-daughters what they had wished for, and to Cinderella he gave the hazel-twig. She thanked him, and went to her mother's grave, and planted this twig there, weeping so bitterly that the tears fell upon it and watered it, and it flourished and became a fine tree. Cinderella went to see it three times a day, and wept and prayed, and each time a white bird rose up from the tree, and if she uttered any wish the bird brought her whatever she had wished for.

* * *

"Oh, because that's realistic." Bakura snorted.

" 'It's not real', remember, Bakura?"

"…Shut up, Marik."

* * *

Now if came to pass that the king ordained a festival that should last for three days, and to which all the beautiful young women of that country were bidden, so that the king's son, Bakura,

* * *

"Wait, _what!_"

* * *

might choose a bride from among them. When the two stepdaughters heard that they too were bidden to appear, they felt very pleased, and they called Cinderella, and said, "Comb our hair, brush our shoes, and make our buckles fast, we are going to the wedding feast at the king's castle." Cinderella, when she heard this, could not help crying, for she too would have liked to go to the dance, and she begged her step-mother to allow her.

* * *

"Oh yes, because that's precisely what I want. To go and parade in a dress in front of Bakura." Marik said sarcastically.

"Well, I'm glad we've got that sorted out then. Off you go and find a dress…" Bakura said, trailing off as Marik turned to glare at him. "Joking, Marik…joking."

* * *

"What, you Cinderella!" said she, "in all your dust and dirt, you want to go to the festival! You that have no dress and no shoes! You want to dance!"

* * *

"No. No, I don't."

* * *

But as she persisted in asking, at last the step-mother said, "I have strewed a dish-full of lentils in the ashes, and if you can pick them all up again in two hours you may go with us." Then the maiden went to the backdoor that led into the garden, and called out,

"O gentle doves, O turtle-doves,

And all the birds that be,

The lentils that in ashes lie

Come and pick up for me!

The good must be put in the dish,

The bad you may eat if you wish."

* * *

"Yes, because I am well known to spontaneously burst into verse every so often." Marik snorted.

* * *

Then there came to the kitchen window two white doves, and after them some turtle-doves, and at last a crowd of all the birds under heaven, chirping and fluttering, and they alighted among the ashes; and the doves nodded with their heads, and began to pick, peck, pick, peck, and then all the others began to pick, peck, pick, peck, and put all the good grains into the dish. Before an hour was over all was done, and they flew away. Then Marik brought the dish to her stepmother, feeling joyful, and thinking that now she should go to the feast; but the step-mother said,

"No, Cinderella, you have no proper clothes, and you do not know how to dance, and you would be laughed at!" And when Cinderella cried for disappointment, she added, "If you can pick two dishes full of lentils out of the ashes, nice and clean, you shall go with us," thinking to herself, "for that is not possible." When she had strewed two dishes full of lentils among the ashes the maiden went through the backdoor into the garden, and cried,

"O gentle doves, O turtle-doves,

And all the birds that be,

The lentils that in ashes lie

Come and pick up for me!

The good must be put in the dish,

The bad you may eat if you wish."

So there came to the kitchen-window two white doves, and then some turtle-doves, and at last a crowd of all the other birds under heaven, chirping and fluttering, and they alighted among the ashes, and the doves nodded with their heads and began to pick, peck, pick, peck, and then all the others began to pick, peck, pick, peck, and put all the good grains into the dish. And before half-an-hour was over it was all done, and they flew away. Then Marik took the dishes her stepmother, feeling joyful, and thinking that now she should go with them to the feast;

* * *

"Ra, repetitive, much?" Marik complained.

"Well, that's the point of fairy tales, isn't it? To either bore or frighten young children into sleep?" Bakura commented. "It certainly seems to be the point of all the ones we've heard so far."

* * *

but she said "All this is of no good to you; you cannot come with us, for you have no proper clothes, and cannot dance; you would put us to shame." Then she turned her back on poor Cinderella, and made haste to set out with her two proud daughters.

And as there was no one left in the house, Cinderella went to her mother's grave, under the hazel bush, and cried,

"Little tree, little tree, shake over me,  
That silver and gold may come down and cover me."

* * *

"Oh hoorah, more poetry."

* * *

Then the bird threw down a dress of gold and silver, and a pair of slippers embroidered with silk and silver.

* * *

"Because everyone knows birds carry that sort of thing around with them. And silver _and_ gold in the same dress? Talk about tacky!"

"…Marik, I didn't think it possible for you to be any more gay than you were. And yet you just proved me wrong."

* * *

And in all haste she put on the dress and went to the festival. But her stepmother and sisters did not know her, and thought she must be a foreign princess, she looked so beautiful in her golden dress. Of Cinderella they never thought at all, and supposed that she was sitting at home and picking the lentils out of the ashes. Prince Bakura came

* * *

"_What?"_

* * *

to meet her,

* * *

"Oh."

* * *

and took her by the hand and danced with her, and he refused to stand up with anyone else, so that he might not be obliged to let go her hand; and when any one came to claim it he answered, "She is my partner."

* * *

"No I'm not!" Marik snapped, glaring at Bakura, who merely grinned back at him lazily.

"Face it Marik, you're my bitch."

"…Shut up."

"What, no witty come-back? I'm shocked…oh, wait, it's you. My mistake." Bakura replied, continuing to grin.

"I said shut up!" Marik retorted, face flushed.

"Why Marik… anyone would think you were embarrassed. You're not telling me you actually want to be my bitch, are you?" Marik paused before replying;

"No, I am definitely not telling you that."

* * *

And when the evening came she wanted to go home, but the prince said he would go with her to take care of her, for he wanted to see where the beautiful maiden lived. But she escaped him, and jumped up into the pigeon-house. Then the prince waited until the father came, and told him the strange maiden had jumped into the pigeon-house. The father thought to himself, "It cannot surely be Cinderella," and called for axes and hatchets, and had the pigeon-house cut down, but there was no one in it. And when they entered the house there sat Cinderella in her dirty clothes among the cinders, and a little oil-lamp burnt dimly in the chimney; for Cinderella had been very quick, and had jumped out of the pigeon-house again, and had run to the hazel bush; and there she had taken off her beautiful dress and had laid it on the grave, and the bird had carried it away again, and then she had put on her little gray kirtle again, and had sat down in. the kitchen among the cinders.

* * *

"Wait, just because you're not telling me that doesn't mean it isn't true!" Bakura exclaimed, turning to face Marik again. " you _do_ want to be my bitch, _don't _you?"

"…No comment."

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"It means no frigging comment, alright!" Marik shouted, before storming out of the room. Bakura raised an eyebrow, but didn't follow.

* * *

The next day, when the festival began anew, and the parents and step-sisters had gone to it, Cinderella went to the hazel bush and cried,

"Little tree, little tree, shake over me,  
That silver and gold may come down and cover me."

Then the bird cast down a still more splendid dress than on the day before. And when she appeared in it among the guests everyone was astonished at her beauty. Prince Bakura had been waiting until she came,

* * *

Bakura snorted in amusement at this, and looked over to where Marik should be sitting, before remembering he'd left.

* * *

and he took her hand and danced with her alone. And when anyone else came to invite her he said, "She is my partner." And when the evening came she wanted to go home, and the prince followed her, for he wanted to see to what house she belonged; but she broke away from him, and ran into the garden at the back of the house. There stood a fine large tree, bearing splendid pears; she leapt as lightly as a squirrel among the branches, and the prince did not know what had become of her. So he waited until the father came, and then he told him that the strange maiden had rushed from him, and that he thought she had gone up into the pear-tree. The father thought to himself, "It cannot surely be Cinderella," and called for an axe, and felled the tree, but there was no one in it. And when they went into the kitchen there sat Cinderella among the cinders, as usual, for she had got down the other side of the tree, and had taken back her beautiful clothes to the bird on the hazel bush, and had put on her old grey kirtle again.

* * *

"Honestly, Marik, what the fuck?" Bakura muttered to himself. "If you fucking like me, then why not bloody well tell me? What am I going to do, bite your idiotic head off?"

* * *

On the third day, when the parents and the step-children had set off, Cinderella went again to her mother's grave, and said to the tree,

"Little tree, little tree, shake over me,  
That silver and gold may come down and cover me."

Then the bird cast down a dress, the like of which had never been seen for splendour and brilliancy, and slippers that were of gold. And when she appeared in this dress at the feast nobody knew what to say for wonderment. The prince danced with her alone, and if anyone else asked her he answered, "She is my partner."

And when it was evening Cinderella wanted to go home, and the prince was about to go with her, when she ran past him so quickly that he could not follow her. But he had laid a plan, and had caused all the steps to be spread with pitch, so that as she rushed down them the left shoe of the maiden remained sticking in it. Prince Bakura picked it up, and saw that it was of gold, and very small and slender. The next morning he went to the father and told him that none should be his bride save the one whose foot the golden shoe should fit. Then the two sisters were very glad, because they had pretty feet. The eldest went to her room to try on the shoe, and her mother stood by. But she could not get her great toe into it, for the shoe was too small; then her mother handed her a knife, and said, "Cut the toe off, for when you are queen you will never have to go on foot." So the girl cut her toe off, squeezed her foot into the shoe, concealed the pain, and went down to the prince.

* * *

"And there you have the violence no child's story is complete without. Right, Mar-…whatever."

* * *

Then he took her with him on his horse as his bride, and rode off. They had to pass by the grave, and there sat the two pigeons on the hazel bush, and cried,

"There they go, there they go!  
There is blood on her shoe;  
The shoe is too small,  
Not the right bride at all!"

Then the prince looked at her shoe, and saw the blood flowing. And he turned his horse round and took the false bride home again, saying she was not the right one, and that the other sister must try on the shoe. So she went into her room to do so, and got her toes comfortably in, but her heel was too large. Then her mother handed her the knife, saying, "Cut a piece off your heel; when you are queen you will never have to go on foot." So the girl cut a piece off her heel, and thrust her foot into the shoe, concealed the pain, and went down to the prince, who took his bride before him on his horse and rode off. When they passed by the hazel bush the two pigeons sat there and cried,

"There they go, there they go!  
There is blood on her shoe;  
The shoe is too small,  
Not the right bride at all!"

Then the prince looked at her foot, and saw how the blood was flowing from the shoe, and staining the white stocking. And he turned his horse round and brought the false bride home again. "This is not the right one," said he, "have you no other daughter?"

"No," said the man, "only my dead wife left behind her a little stunted Cinderella; it is impossible that she can be the bride." Regardless, the prince ordered her to be sent for, but the stepmother said,

"Oh, no! She is much too dirty; I could not let her be seen." But he would have her fetched, and so Cinderella had to appear. First she washed her face and hands quite clean, and went in and curtseyed to the prince, who held out to her the golden shoe. Then she sat down on a stool, drew her foot out of the heavy wooden shoe, and slipped it into the golden one, which fitted it perfectly. And when she stood up, and the prince looked in her face, he knew again the beautiful maiden that had danced with him, and he cried,

"This is the right bride!" The step-mother and the two sisters were thunderstruck, and grew pale with anger; but he put Cinderella before him on his horse and rode off. And as they passed the hazel bush, the two white pigeons cried,

"There they go, there they go!  
No blood on her shoe;  
The shoe's not too small,  
The right bride is she after all."

And when they had thus cried, they came flying after and perched on Cinderella's shoulders, one on the right, the other on the left, and so remained.

And when her wedding with the prince was appointed to be held the false sisters came, hoping to curry favour, and to take part in the festivities. So as the bridal procession went to the church, the eldest walked on the right side and the younger on the left, and the pigeons picked out an eye of each of them. And as they returned the elder was on the left side and the younger on the right, and the pigeons picked out the other eye of each of them. And so they were condemned to go blind for the rest of their days because of their wickedness and falsehood.

* * *

"Wickedness and falsehood…" Bakura mused, before leaving the room in search of Marik's yami, who he found in the kitchen, making…something…in the oven. Better not to speculate as to what.

"Hey, yami Marik." The wild-haired spirit looked up guiltily, before realising who was speaking.

"Fuck, I thought you were Akefia… don't do that to me, Bakura."

"Yeah, whatever… tell me what Marik thinks about me." Yami Marik snorted.

"Why do you care about _him_?"

"Just tell me already." Bakura demanded, tapping his foot impatiently.

"Fine, yes…she has a massive crush on you, has done for ages…whatever." He replied, before turning back to the oven, and removing what looked like a squirrel. Bakura turned to leave, then froze.

"…She?" Yami Marik snorted.

"She, he, it, whatever. I need to get this looking less squirrel like so I can trick Akefia into eating it."


	17. Jack and the Beanstalk

**Commentary by Ryou and Bakura**

There was once upon a time a poor widow who had an only son named Bakura, and a cow named Ryou.

* * *

"Wh…what?" Ryou asked, disbelievingly.

"Didn't you hear, hikari? You're a cow. My cow, to be precise." Bakura sneered at him. "Got a problem with that?"

* * *

And all they had to live on was the milk the cow gave every morning, which they carried to the market and sold. But one morning Ryou gave no milk,

* * *

"But… why would I be scripted as a cow?" Ryou asked, still confused.

"For goodness sake Ryou, just shut up, will you? You're a cow because you're a cow. That's how it is. Deal with it."

* * *

and they didn't know what to do.

"What shall we do, what shall we do?" said the widow, wringing her hands.

"Cheer up, mother, I'll go and get work somewhere," said Bakura.

* * *

"Hah, fuck that." Bakura snorted. "No way am I doing anything of the sort." Ryou frowned.

"Bakura, your language really is dreadful."

"Oh?" Bakura replied, in a dangerously sweet tone, "Is it really that dreadful, hikari dearest?" His tone changed, suddenly turning vicious; "Well you try being trapped, body-less, in the fucking Millennium Ring for 5000 years, and see how your language is in the end!"

* * *

"We've tried that before, and nobody would take you," said his mother. "We must sell Ryou and with the money start a shop, or something."

"All right, mother," replied Bakura. "It's market day today, and I'll soon sell Ryou, and then we'll see what we can do."

So he took the cow's halter in his hand, and off he started. He hadn't gone far when he met a funny-looking, short old man, with very bushy grey hair, who said to him, "Good morning, Bakura."

* * *

"Henh. It's that idiot Yugi's senile grandparent."

"…Yugi's grandpa is nice. He always lets us hang out in the shop-" Ryou protested, but was cut off with a derisive snort from Bakura.

"Only because he never gets any customers in that stupid shop of his."

"He does too! It's just… not gaming season right now." Was Ryou's feeble attempt at a response. Bakura merely rolled his eyes.

* * *

"Good morning to you," said Bakura, and wondered how he knew his name.

* * *

"Let me guess… magic, magic or… just possibly… magic?"

* * *

"Well, Bakura, and where are you off to?" said the man.

"I'm going to market to sell our cow there."

* * *

"That's you, Ryou. I'm selling you. You're that useless."

* * *

"Oh, you look the proper sort of chap to sell cows," said the man. "I wonder if you know how many beans make five."

"Two in each hand and one in your mouth," said Bakura, as sharp as a needle.

* * *

"Oh, great, he can count up to five. That makes him sharp how, exactly?"

"Bakura, you do realise that you're insulting yourself, right?" Ryou asked.

"Pssh, that idiot isn't me. I'd leave the cow at home with my mother, gather a group of men and attack the market, stealing everything, then take it all for myself. He's not doing that, therefore is not me."

* * *

"Right you are," said the man, "and here they are, the very beans themselves," he went on, pulling out of his pocket a number of strange-looking beans. "As you are so sharp," said he, "I don't mind doing a swap with you - your cow for these beans."

"Go along," said Bakura. "Wouldn't you like it?"

* * *

"Alright, that's a small sign of intelligence… knowing that a cow is worth more than some odd beans."

* * *

"Ah! You don't know what these beans are," said the man. "If you plant them overnight, by morning they grow right up to the sky."

"Really?" said Bakura. "You don't say so."

* * *

"Wait, no, I take it back. He's an idiot. Seriously? Believing that nonsense?"

"Uh… yami, did you not read the title of the story? All evidence indicates that eep!" Ryou began to contradict his dark side, but was cut off when Bakura grabbed him by the neck, holding a knife to his throat.

"What did you call me?" he hissed.

"Y… yami…" Ryou gasped, his windpipe slowly closing under the pressure Bakura was exerting on it.

"Never call me that. I am NOT that stupid, fucking idiot of a pharaoh. Understand?" Ryou nodded feebly, unable to speak. Bakura let him go, and sat back down.

* * *

"Yes, that is so. And if it doesn't turn out to be true you can have your cow back."

"Right," said Bakura, handing him over Ryou's halter and pocketing the beans. Back goes Bakura home, and as he hadn't gone very far it wasn't dusk by the time he got to his door.

"Back already, Bakura?" said his mother. "I see you haven't got Ryou, so you've sold her. How much did you get for her?"

* * *

"This should be good." Bakura smirked evilly in anticipation.

* * *

"You'll never guess, mother," says Bakura.

"No, you don't say so. Good boy! Five pounds? Ten? Fifteen? No, it can't be twenty."

"I told you, you couldn't guess. What do you say to these beans? They're magical. Plant them overnight and - "

* * *

"And here... we... go..."

* * *

"What!" says Bakura's mother. "Have you been such a fool, such a dolt, such an idiot, as to give away my Ryou, the best milker in the parish, and prime beef to boot, for a set of paltry beans?

* * *

"But… I thought the cow wasn't producing milk anymore?" Ryou asked in confusion. Bakura rolled his eyes.

"Women, much like Marik, rarely make sense when they're angry." He explained.

* * *

Take that! Take that! Take that!

* * *

"Alright, we get it, you like the band… no need to shove it down our throats!"

* * *

And as for your precious beans here they go out of the window. And now off with you to bed. Not a sup shall you drink, and not a bit shall you swallow this very night."

So Bakura went upstairs to his little room in the attic, and sad and sorry he was, to be sure, as much for his mother's sake as for the loss of his supper. At last he dropped off to sleep. When he woke up, the room looked so funny. The sun was shining into part of it, and yet all the rest was quite dark and shady. So Bakura jumped up and dressed himself and went to the window. And what do you think he saw? Why, the beans his mother had thrown out of the window into the garden had sprung up into a big beanstalk which went up and up and up till it reached the sky. So the man spoke truth after all.

* * *

"But fairy tales are meant to have morals! What's the moral of this one: trust strangers and take whatever they give you?" Bakura snorted.

* * *

The beanstalk grew up quite close past Bakura's window, so all he had to do was to open it and give a jump onto the beanstalk which ran up just like a big ladder. So Bakura climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed till at last he reached the sky. And when he got there he found a long broad road going as straight as a dart. So he walked along, and he walked along, and he walked along till he came to a great big tall house, and on the doorstep there was a great big tall woman, with darkly tanned skin and short – but spiky – white hair.

* * *

"HAH! It's Akefia!" Bakura laughed.

"I wonder why he was chosen as the wife…" Ryou wondered.

"I don't care… Akefia was finally given a bad role! It's payback time, bitch!"

* * *

"Good morning, mum," says Bakura, quite polite-like. "Could you be so kind as to give me some breakfast?" For he hadn't had anything to eat, you know, the night before, and was as hungry as a hunter.

"It's breakfast you want, is it?" says the great big tall woman. "It's breakfast you'll be if you don't move off from here. My man is an ogre and there's nothing he likes better than boys broiled on toast. You'd better be moving on or he'll be coming."

"Oh! Please, mum, do give me something to eat, mum. I've had nothing to eat since yesterday morning, really and truly, mum," says Bakura. "I may as well be broiled as die of hunger."

* * *

"So… he hasn't had anything to eat since yesterday morning… but he was able to climb all the way up that beanstalk?" Ryou asked.

"Yeah, so?"

"Well, it seems a bit unlikely, doesn't it?"

"True… but it is just a fairy tale, after all." Bakura dismissed Ryou's concerns.

"Still, they should obey their own rules. If he feels like he's going to die of hunger, he wouldn't have been able to climb the beanstalk." Bakura grinned maliciously.

"Wow Ryou, it's interesting that you should care more about this than your being cast as a cow… makes me wonder…" Ryou flushed, but said nothing.

* * *

Well, the ogre's wife was not half so bad after all. So she took Bakura into the kitchen, and gave him a hunk of bread and cheese and a jug of milk. But Bakura hadn't half finished these when thump! Thump! Thump! The whole house began to tremble with the noise of someone coming.

* * *

"Oh, I wonder who _that_ could be? The ogre, maybe?" Bakura scoffed.

* * *

"Goodness gracious me! It's my old man,"

* * *

"Big surprise, lady."

* * *

said the ogre's wife. "What on earth shall I do? Come along quick and jump in here." And she bundled Bakura into the oven just as the ogre came in.

"Oh yes, the perfect hiding place. In the bloody oven. _Very_ clever. Now you won't have to move him to cook him up."

* * *

"I'm sure that wasn't her intention, Ya-Bakura."

"Riiiight."

* * *

He was a big one, to be sure. He had long, wild, golden hair, and three eyes! At his belt he had three calves strung up by the heels, and he unhooked them and threw them down on the table and said, "Here, wife, broil me a couple of these for breakfast. Ah! What's this I smell?

Fee-fi-fo-fum,  
I smell the blood of an Englishman,

* * *

"Damn right, I am."

"I… I thought you were Egyptian?"

"Ryou, look at me. Do I bloody look Egyptian? Wanker."

* * *

Be he alive, or be he dead,  
I'll have his bones to grind my bread."

"Nonsense, dear," said his wife. "You're dreaming. Or perhaps you smell the scraps of that little boy you liked so much for yesterday's dinner. Here, you go and have a wash and tidy up, and by the time you come back your breakfast'll be ready for you."

So off the ogre went, and Bakura was just going to jump out of the oven and run away when the woman told him not. "Wait till he's asleep," says she; "he always has a doze after breakfast."

* * *

"Wait until he's asleep. And just to make sure he believes there's no-one here, I'll turn the oven on with you inside. Honey, there's boy for breakfast!"

* * *

Well, the ogre had his breakfast, and after that he goes to a big chest and takes out a couple of bags of gold, and down he sits and counts till at last his head began to nod and he began to snore till the whole house shook again.

Then Bakura crept out on tiptoe from his oven, and as he was passing the ogre, he took one of the bags of gold under his arm,

* * *

"Finally, a story that recognises me as a thief! It's about bloody time."

* * *

and off he pelters till he came to the beanstalk, and then he threw down the bag of gold, which, of course, fell into his mother's garden, and then he climbed down and climbed down till at last he got home and told his mother and showed her the gold and said, "Well, mother, wasn't I right about the beans? They are really magical, you see."

So they lived on the bag of gold for some time, but at last they came to the end of it, and Bakura made up his mind to try his luck once more at the top of the beanstalk.

* * *

"Because _that's_ a good idea. Steal from some bloody massive ogre, who just happens to be bloody _Yami Marik_, of all people, oh, and who likes to eat people! Pure genius!"

* * *

So one fine morning he rose up early, and got onto the beanstalk, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed till at last he came out onto the road again and up to the great tall house he had been to before. There, sure enough, was the great tall woman a-standing on the doorstep.

"Good morning, mum," says Bakura, as bold as brass, "could you be so good as to give me something to eat?"

"Go away, my boy," said the big tall woman, "or else my man will eat you up for breakfast. But aren't you the youngster who came here once before? Do you know, that very day my man missed one of his bags of gold."

"That's strange, mum," said Bakura, "I dare say I could tell you something about that, but I'm so hungry I can't speak till I've had something to eat."

* * *

"Oh, _very_ sneaky."

"You seem very sarcastic all of a sudden." Bakura raised an eyebrow.

"Got a problem with that, hikari?"

"No, no!"

"Gods Ryou, you're so boring. Fight back for once, why don't you?"

* * *

Well, the big tall woman was so curious that she took him in and gave him something to eat. But he had scarcely begun munching it as slowly as he could when thump! Thump! They heard the giant's

* * *

"I thought he was an ogre? Maybe this is her lover, instead of her husband."

* * *

footstep, and his wife hid Bakura away in the oven.

All happened as it did before. In came the ogre as he did before, said, "Fee-fi-fo-fum," and had his breakfast off three broiled oxen.

* * *

"No, my mistake. The author just has a problem with consistency."

* * *

Then he said, "Wife, bring me the hen that lays the golden eggs." So she brought it, and the ogre said, "Lay," and it laid an egg all of gold. And then the ogre began to nod his head, and to snore till the house shook.

* * *

"Hens can't just lay eggs on demand!" Ryou protested.

"If Yami Marik tells a hen to lay an egg, it bloody lays an egg."

* * *

Then Bakura crept out of the oven on tiptoe and caught hold of the golden hen, and was off before you could say "Touzoku Bakura."

* * *

"…Why would you _want_ to say that? I know my name is amazing, but what's with this 'Touzoku' nonsense?"

"Touzoku means thief in Japanese… I think…" Ryou explained, but Bakura waved his hand dismissively.

"Oh, I know that. But people always seem to miss out the extra 'ou' on the end. It's thief _king_, after all."

* * *

But this time the hen gave a cackle which woke the ogre, and just as Bakura got out of the house he heard him calling, "Wife, wife, what have you done with my golden hen?"

And the wife said, "Why, my dear?"

But that was all Bakura heard, for he rushed off to the beanstalk and climbed down like a house on fire. And when he got home he showed his mother the wonderful hen, and said "lay" to it; and it laid a golden egg every time he said "lay."

Well, Bakura was not content,

* * *

"Greedy sod."

* * *

and it wasn't long before he determined to have another try at his luck up there at the top of the beanstalk. So one fine morning he rose up early and got to the beanstalk, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed, and he climbed till he got to the top.

But this time he knew better than to go straight to the ogre's house. And when he got near it, he waited behind a bush till he saw the ogre's wife come out with a pail to get some water, and then he crept into the house and got into the copper.

* * *

"…The copper what?"

"No, the copper. It's for washing clothes in… or something."

* * *

He hadn't been there long when he heard thump! Thump! Thump! As before, and in came the ogre and his wife.

"Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman," cried out the ogre. "I smell him, wife, I smell him."

"Do you, my dearie?" says the ogre's wife. "Then, if it's that little rogue that stole your gold and the hen that laid the golden eggs he's sure to have got into the oven." And they both rushed to the oven.

* * *

"Yes, he's in the oven, because he's a total bloody idiot."

* * *

But Bakura wasn't there, luckily, and the ogre's wife said, "There you are again with your fee-fi-fo-fum. Why, of course, it's the boy you caught last night that I've just broiled for your breakfast. How forgetful I am, and how careless you are not to know the difference between live and dead after all these years."

So the ogre sat down to the breakfast and ate it, but every now and then he would mutter, "Well, I could have sworn -" and he'd get up and search the larder and the cupboards and everything, only, luckily, he didn't think of the copper.

* * *

"Oh yes, what luck. Who would have thought the hero of a fairy tale would be lucky?"

* * *

After breakfast was over, the ogre called out, "Wife, wife, bring me my golden harp."

So she brought it and put it on the table before him. Then he said, "sing!" and the golden harp sang most beautifully. And it went on singing till the ogre fell asleep, and commenced to snore like thunder.

Then Bakura lifted up the copper lid very quietly and got down like a mouse and crept on hands and knees till he came to the table, when up he crawled, caught hold of the golden harp and dashed with it towards the door.

* * *

But the harp called out quite loud, "Master Marik! Master Marik!"

"The harp is _Odeon_? Hah!"

* * *

and the ogre woke up just in time to see Bakura running off with his harp.

Bakura ran as fast as he could, and the ogre came rushing after, and would soon have caught him, only Bakura had a start and dodged him a bit and knew where he was going.

* * *

"Knew where he was going, in this place he's visit all of what, three times?"

* * *

When he got to the beanstalk the ogre was not more than twenty yards away when suddenly he saw Bakura disappear, and when he came to the end of the road he saw Bakura underneath climbing down for dear life. Well, the ogre didn't like trusting himself to such a ladder, and he stood and waited, so Bakura got another start.

But just then the harp cried out, "Master Marik! Master Marik!" and the ogre swung himself down onto the beanstalk, which shook with his weight. Down climbs Bakura, and after him climbed the ogre.

By this time Bakura had climbed down and climbed down and climbed down till he was very nearly home. So he called out, "Mother! Mother! Bring me an axe, bring me an axe." And his mother came rushing out with the axe in her hand, but when she came to the beanstalk she stood stock still with fright, for there she saw the ogre with his legs just through the clouds.

But Bakura jumped down and got hold of the axe and gave a chop at the beanstalk which cut it half in two.

* * *

"Both in half _and_ in two?"

* * *

The ogre felt the beanstalk shake and quiver, so he stopped to see what was the matter. Then Bakura gave another chop with the axe, and the beanstalk was cut in two and began to topple over. Then the ogre fell down and broke his crown, and the beanstalk came toppling after.

* * *

"He was wearing a crown? Where does it say that?"

"The crown is part of your head. Like in the nursery rhyme, Jack and Jill." Ryou explained.

"The what? The who?... Never mind, you're not important."

* * *

Then Bakura showed his mother his golden harp, and what with showing that and selling the golden eggs, Bakura and his mother became very rich, and he married a great princess named Marik, and they lived happy ever after.

* * *

"Why the _bloody hell_ would they bother putting in the princess's name? And why the _fuck_ is it _Marik_? When will you people get it through your thick skulls that I don't bloody like the idiot? It's him who fucking likes me, got it? And even if I _did_ like him, do you know how bloody infuriating it is to be forcibly paired with him in practically every bloody chapter?" Bakura raged.

"Um, well-" Ryou began, but Bakura cut him off.

"And you! You're bloody boring, you know that? I wish Marik was here instead of you- at least I can have a proper argument with him!"

"But he said-"

"I don't fucking care what the idiot said!" Bakura snapped, and stormed out of the room, narrowly avoiding Marik, who was standing in the doorway.


	18. Rumpelstiltskin

**Rumpelstiltskin**

**Commentary by Bakura and Marik**

There was once a miller who was poor, but he had one beautiful daughter. She had dusky skin, long golden hair, and bright purple eyes.

* * *

"Why me?" Marik groaned.

"Well," Bakura began, but Marik cut him off.

"Don't even bother."

* * *

It happened one day that he came to speak with the king who, as a matter of fact, also had dusky skin, purple eyes and golden hair, but his hair was far shorter than that of the maiden, and his face was marred by a large scar under his eye.

* * *

"That bastard? Why is he _always_ the king?" Bakura demanded.

"Oh, I don't know… _because_ _he's the Thief King_?" Marik replied.

"But so am I! He's me… or… I'm him, or whatever, so why don't I get a turn at being king?"

"Well, you're generally known as the spirit of the Millennium Ring, instead of the Thief King, aren't you?" Bakura grunted, but did not reply.

* * *

To give himself consequence, he told him that he had a daughter by the name of Marik who could spin gold out of straw. The king said to the miller, "That is an art that pleases me well; if thy daughter is as clever as you say, bring her to my castle to-morrow, that I may put her to the proof."

When Marik was brought to him, he led her into a room that was quite full of straw, and gave her a wheel and spindle, and said, "Now set to work, and if by the early morning thou hast not spun this straw to gold thou shalt die."

* * *

"_Die!_ Just for not doing something that's frigging _impossible!_ What sort of evil, twisted person is this king?" Marik demanded.

"Akefia."

"Oh, right."

* * *

And he shut the door himself, and left her there alone. And so the poor miller's daughter was left there sitting, and could not think what to do for her life: she had no notion how to set to work to spin gold from straw, and her distress grew so great that she began to weep. Then all at once the door opened, and in came a little man, with hair shaped much like a starfish

* * *

"It is rather starfishy, isn't it?"

"Marik, I don't think 'starfishy' is a word."

"Well, it should be."

"…Whatever."

* * *

who said, "Good evening, miller's daughter; why are you crying?"

"Oh!" answered Marik, "I have got to spin gold out of straw, and I don't understand the business."

* * *

"That's because it's FRIGGING IMPOSSIBLE!"

"Marik, calm down will you?" Bakura said, amusement clear in his voice.

* * *

Then the little man said, "What will you give me if I spin it for you?"

"My golden necklace," said Marik. The little man took the necklace, seated himself before the wheel, and whirr, whirr, whirr! Three times round and the bobbin was full; then he took up another, and whirr, whirr, whirr! Three times round, and that was full; and so he went on till the morning, when all the straw had been spun, and all the bobbins were full of gold.

* * *

"Alright, it is now time to ask a very important question. What the frig is a bobbin?"

"Well how the bloody hell should I know?" Bakura demanded. Marik shrugged.

"You're British."

"And what the bloody hell does that have to do with it?"

"Well… British people are old-fashioned, and this is set in… old fashioned times… so… why are you looking at me like that?"

"Like I want to cut you into little pieces, burn the pieces, and scatter the ashes in the Shadow Realm? Oh, I wonder."

* * *

At sunrise came the king, and when he saw the gold he was astonished and very much rejoiced, for he was very avaricious.

* * *

"You've got that right." Bakura muttered.

* * *

He had the miller's daughter taken into another room filled with straw, much bigger than the last, and told her that as she valued her life she must spin it all in one night. The girl did not know what to do, so she began to cry,

* * *

"You're such a girl, Marik."

"What?"

"Well, look at that. You're crying, just because you can't do one simple thing for Akefia. Honestly, it's quite pathetic."

"_What!_ I'm CRYING because I can't frigging spin STRAW into GOLD! ... And how would SPINNING help, anyway? 'Ooh, look at me, I'm going to twirl this straw around and it'll turn into gold'!"

"Well, you should have paid attention when the runt did it last night. Or have him teach you how to do it, instead of just doing it for you, lazy."

"Oh, I'm sorry Bakura, I didn't frigging realise we could frigging change the frigging story!"

"That's because we can't."

"Then why in Ra's name would you tell me to change it!"

"Because when you get all wound up, you're really cu- crude. And it's funny."

* * *

and then the door opened, and the little man appeared and said, "What will you give me if I spin all this straw into gold?"

"The ring from my finger," answered Marik. So the little man took the ring, and began again to send the wheel whirring round, and by the next morning all the straw was spun into glistening gold. The king was rejoiced beyond measure at the sight, but as he could never have enough of gold, he had the miller's daughter taken into a still larger room full of straw, and said, "This, too, must be spun in one night, and if you accomplish it you shall be my wife."

* * *

"You will become my _what!_" Bakura demanded. Marik grinned at him.

"Why Bakura, I didn't think you cared."

"Trust me, I don't. But doesn't the miller's daughter have any say in the matter? Death or marriage to Akefia, they're rather similar."

"Oh, I don't know…" Marik said, innocently. "Akefia _is_ rather sexy…" Bakura merely growled in response.

* * *

For he thought, "Although she is but a miller's daughter, I am not likely to find any one richer in the whole world." As soon as the girl was left alone, the little man appeared for the third time and said, "What will you give me if I spin the straw for you this time?" "I have nothing left to give," answered the girl. "Then you must promise me the first child you have after you are queen," said the little man.

* * *

"What sort of person asks for someone's CHILD?"

"A sick, twisted one… I'm surprised I never did it, actually."

* * *

"But who knows whether that will happen?" thought the girl; but as she did not know what else to do in her necessity, she promised the little man what he desired, upon which he began to spin, until all the straw was gold. And when in the morning the king came and found all done according to his wish, he caused the wedding to be held at once, and the miller's pretty daughter became a queen.

In a year's time she brought a fine child into the world,

* * *

"But I'm a boy! Boys can't do that!" Marik protested.

"Apparently they can. Especially if you look on deviantart right now… there seems to be a craze for that sort of thing going on."

"What? Deviantart? What the hell are you talking about?"

"Never mind."

* * *

and thought no more of the little man ; but one day he came suddenly into her room, and said, "Now give me what you promised me." The queen was terrified greatly, and offered the little man all the riches of the kingdom if he would only leave the child; but the little man said, "No, I would rather have something living than all the treasures of the world."

* * *

"Pervert."

* * *

Then the queen began to lament and to weep, so that the little man had pity upon her. "I will give you three days," said he, "and if at the end of that time you cannot tell my name, you must give up the child to me."

Then the queen spent the whole night in thinking over all the names that she had ever heard, and sent a messenger through the land to ask far and wide for all the names that could be found. And when the little man came next day, (beginning with Yugi, Yami Yugi, Yami no Yugi) she repeated all she knew, and went through the whole list, but after each the little man said, "That is not my name."

* * *

"That's not my name! That's not my, name!" Marik started to sing.

"Marik, for the love of all that is evil, if you don't stop that right now…" Bakura threatened him. He stopped singing.

* * *

The second day the queen sent to inquire of all the neighbours what the servants were called, and told the little man all the most unusual and singular names, saying, "Perhaps you are called Namonaki, or Pharaoh, or Aibou?" But he answered nothing but "That is not my name." The third day the messenger came back again, and said, "I have not been able to find one single new name; but as I passed through the woods I came to a high hill, and near it was a little house, and before the house burned a fire, and round the fire danced a comical little man, and he hopped on one leg and cried,

"To-day do I bake, to-morrow I brew,  
The day after that the queen's child will be mine anew;  
And oh! I am glad that nobody knew  
That the name I am called is Atemu!"

* * *

"Oh, so the Pharaoh gets to sing, but I don't? That's not fair!" Marik sulked.

"Yes, well, at least the Pharaoh actually _can sing_… unlike you."

* * *

You cannot think how pleased the queen was to hear that name, and soon afterwards, when the little man walked in and said, "Now, Mrs. Queen, what is my name?" she said at first,

"Are you called Atem Yugi?"

"No," answered he.

"Are you called Yu-gi-oh?" she asked again.

"No," answered he. And then she said,

"Then perhaps your name is Atemu?"

"The devil told you that! the devil told you that!" cried the little man, and in his anger he stamped with his right foot so hard that it went into the ground above his knee ; then he seized his left foot with both his hands in such a fury that he split in two, and there was an end of him. And the king and his queen lived happily ever-

Scratch that.

But the very next night, a young thief who had long plagued the king's lands stole in through his bedroom window, and made off with his queen. For over the course of time, the thief had grown very attached to the miller's daughter, and could not bear the thought of her living with the cruel and avaricious king.

The thief, whose name was Bakura, took Marik the miller's daughter back to his den with him, and although at first she was afraid of him, Marik grew to love Bakura, and they lived the rest of their lives together." Bakura finished, smiling at Marik. Marik grinned back at him, and stepped forward into his embrace.

**

* * *

Th-th-th-that's all, folks!**


End file.
